//...Raging Fire Burn...\\

Matthew Goh I am...
Am Chinese Christian with a dying dialect, Foochow.
Evolved into 11 this April.
However,known to be 25 for legal reasons.
Am a Taurean from the 1997 batch of babies.
Born 27/04/1997 @ 0524hrs almost into a toilet bowl.
Thank God, brought 2 life in Toa Payoh Hospital.
Love making friends, but have juz a few close ones.
Am an out of the closet gay guy .
Looking around and still single.
ORDed on 26/06/2004.
As for now, am a Customer Service Officer for FarEastFlora.com.
Top it all up, am too a student in SHATEC.
Realli got too many hobbies 2 name.

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Name:- Matthew Goh

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Email: wetneooo@singnet.com.sg

Mobile: +6598155837

Cheng San Kindergarten School
1988 - 1989

Da Qiao Primary School (P1-2, 2-2, 3-2, 4-3, 5-3, 6-2)
1990 - 1995

Ang Mo Kio Secondary School (Sec 1/3, 2/3, 3/3, 4/3)
1996 - 1999

Nanyang Junior College (OG 23, 1 CT 24, 1 CT 18, 2 CT 18)
2000 - 2001

Tekong BMTC School 2, Orion Coy, Platoon 3, Section 2, Bed 6
27th Dec 2001 - 16th Feb 2002

Ayer Rajar Camp, Ordnance Engineering And Training Institute, Electronics And Weapons Training Wing, Small Arms BTT 5
8 Feb 2002 - 4th May 2002

Nee Soon Driclad Centre, 6 Direct Support Maintenance Base, Armament Coy, Small Arms Platoon
6th May 2002 - 26th Jun 2004

Tristellar Enterprise, Sales & Logistics Coordinator AKA Account Manager
7th Jul 2004 - 5th Sep 2006

FarEastFlora.com Pte Ltd, Customer Service Officer
19th Sep 2006 -

SHATEC, Hotel Management, DHM408B
07th Apr 2008 -

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Thursday, April 29, 2004

John Stevens's Out!

John Stevens n latin music! Chocolate ice cream n onion! Wat a good analogy.
Thank God he is out. It was damn obvious. Which means I can cont watching American Idol nxt week. Signing out. Nite!

p.s. Sorry this is an abrupt entry 4 my overwhelmed mood suddenly.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/29/2004 10:47:00 PM

Dun Listen Old Man Say, Loss Is Ahead

Haha! This is the literal translation of a chinese saying. Hahaha! Anyway, yep! Juz watch Dawn Of The Dead 2dae. Shld hve listened 2 my friend�s advice. But nvm, @ least it is onli worth $6.50. On the whole, did not hve anywhere better 2 go after the trip 2 the doc. Juz travel ard Singapore like a lost ghost. So lonely n boring.

Had 2 cut short the trip due 2 extreme fatigue n also, goin 2 rain. Hve not rained so heavily 4 days. Juz hope 2nite I�ll hve a good nite�s sleep. Realli tired still.

Been 2 the doc anyway. Got 2 days MC. Actually, wonder 4 wat? Hahaha! Went there 4 the medicine actually. But after the visit, I think I can also b the doc. Can�t sleep rite? Sleeping pills! Hahaha! Me alreadi taken more than half a bottle n still no effect. Silly doc!!! Think tml I better go get my nxt bottle else I dun need even think of sleeping 2 hour per nite.

Can�t think of wat 2 write. So rather spend more time updating my sidebar. Check out my movie listings. Hahaha! Cool man! Juz left, 2003 n 2004�s movie posters till completion. Till then. Good day!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/29/2004 08:54:00 PM

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

JOHN STEVENS SUCKS!

Since I cannot fall asleep, so might as well add sth 2 my blog with a BIG BIG thot in my mind. Yep! BIG THOT. Juz watched finish American Idol, now typing n watching CSI Miami. Also hoping 2 get in the mood of sleepin after my fifth dosage 2dae. Mr. Multi-Tasking. Haha!

Ok, dun wanna stray away. What was John Stevens singing? Music Of My Heart? Think it shld b Noise Of A F***! It was TERRIBLE! Imagine he cld actually get so far with this excruciating voice. Sickening man! He realli wasted my sleeping pills. Felt I cld also throw my whole TV out of the window. Juz can�t believe such a standard. The finalists are like almost the top of Mount Everest. He is not at the foot. He is literally even lower. So low till it is enough 2 come out of the other side of Earth. If he realli makes it thru tml, tt�s it, I am not watching American Idol anymore. Coz it shows � � Nothing 2 say. Hahaha!

Ok, manage 2 voice out. Now, goin 4 my sixth dosage of sleepin pills n trying 2 get back 2 sleep. Nitey!

p.s. What the f*** was tt abt William Hung�s She Bangs MTV? I am speechless!?!?!?!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/28/2004 11:18:00 PM

...

As promised, I manage 2 upload the song on 2 my webpage 4 u all enjoy. It is a bloody ulu song but feel it is veri meaningful in some sense.

Like as usual, I wld like 2 do my complaining shit. But realli tired 2dae. Not tt there is any diff 4 the past few days. But juz gettting more n more tired as the days goes by. Literally dragging myself out of the house if I need 2. Wonder will I even b able 2 go 4 this Fri's dinner? Sigh! Juz sit in front of my stereo n let the music boom @ me, while let the PC do its work n me relax a bit. Hahaha!

Dunno wat 2 write liao. So juz end this entry here. Shall update if there is anything special in the nxt few days or if I manage 2 catch more than 2hours of sleep 4 1 nite. Good nite! I mean, good afternoon!

p.s. Sorry, I can�t think of any suitable titles. Writer�s block or not in mood of thinking, sort of.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/28/2004 04:21:00 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Silent Birthday

I noe 2dae my birthday. But I realli dun wanna write much. Veri tired tired. Sleeping pills still not working well. Gives me onli 1 to 2 hours of sleep. Sigh Sigh!

HP pretty busy the whole day. Pretty glad many ppl hve not 4gotten my birthday. Receive 1st msg @ 0000hrs n 8secs. Hahaha! Thanks brother! 30 sec later. Hui Shuang. Thank u veri the much too. Hehehe! Then all came flooding in. Thanks all out there! (Ehmm� There is no early bird gift, Jon. Sorry. Juz one thank u.)

Nearly everybody shld remember remembered. 2 think my ex-dad 4got. Not tt I was hoping he wld remember, or he wishing me wld change anything. Juz shows the changes. Dun wanna cry also can�t help it.

2dae also realli did not go out nor celebrate. Everyone so busy. Make me feel so guilty. Slacking @ home. Wonder will I grow so fat till on the day of collecting my IC, I will not b able 2 move. Hmmm� But also kinda sad. 21st birthday like tt go by. Even worse than last yr. Still got cake belated. Hahaha! Nvm, @ least still receive my onli card n present frm my close friends. Thanks a lot. Guess tt means a lot liao.

Ok, logging off early 2dae. Try sleep once again. Nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/27/2004 10:28:00 PM

Monday, April 26, 2004

Eve

2dae actually did not want 2 blog. Juz totally out of myself. Blame insomnia 4 the past 3days. Guess 2dae will not b of any exception. Veri veri tired but still not sleeping. Juz finish my bottle of sleeping pills this morning. Not helping. Guess it might b over-expired. Bought a new bottle 2dae. Hope it helps. Ok get back 2 pt why I blog 2dae.

Mainly wanna thank � � � I also dunno who 2 thank actually. Not told of who fork up money 4 my present. Apparently, onli noe it was Jon, Vijay n Weixiong 4 the moment. Not sure others. Shall thanks them all again when I get the full name list, which wat nonsense are u talking abt, Jon? Thank the camp? Siao huh? As if u can get the whole camp 2 contribute. Publish BRO huh? Hahaha! If so, I muz publish a BRO thank u. Hahaha! (Weixiong, on the side note, hve u got ur BRO sorry yet?) Anyway, got the whole series of Matrix trilogy DVD. Yep! Heard it rite. DVD. Appreciate it. But left it in camp as I was out this afternoon in town. Dun wanna excess baggage. Sth I muz confess. Sorry! I noe it is a little rude of me. I realli like the present. Thanks guys! N maybe gals if there are any. Actually realli not in the rush 2 bring it home. Not tt I can watch it. Guess it will juz sit within my collection of Keanu goodies n collect dust. Sad 2 say. But @ least I do dust them occasionally. Hahaha! I care 4 all my Keanu stuff k? Anyway, seems like this wkend muz go shopping 4 a DVD player. Saw one @ Suntec with my Niu Lang last week. $99. Hope it is still there. Enzer, though it sucks. Hahaha! Nvm, shall c how.

Nxt thanks muz go 2 Benny. Yep! Met up with him 4 noon 2dae. Actually he was out 2 help me celebrate my birthday. Realli appreciate the effort he stay in contact with me. He actually gives me a realli close n warm feeling of friends. Sth which there is no barrier. Sth which I find totally no barrier. Monkey, ironically the conversation we had. Nope, I totally disagree with u. Seems u dun realli understand me tt well. Of course I noe u n me will nvr hve tt type of conversation, since u dun believe it exist, but I do. Maybe ppl with ur thinking will nvr develop this type of rapport. I am sorry 2 say this. Prob I am looking 4 the wrong thing with the wrong type of ppl. Sort of make me waste my time n effort. But @ least I noe I tried, n will not regret it. Guess I dun make any sense here. It is sth hard 2 explain. But after this afternoon, I had the old feeling again. Yep! Innocence, friends of no barriers. Guess this is the best birthday present I got so far. Had a show with him n caught up a lot of old times we had in the old management of armt in the CSM office. Though a short time 2gether, guess it realli makes time worth it. Thanks a lot Benny!

Lastly, receive the card I got frm my Niu Lang. 1st card of the birthday, as usual. He still not 4get me despite the distance. Feel so like calling him up n chat. Hahaha! Yep! In Tekong guard room. Hahaha! Nvm, shall reveal some of the things written. Reply 2 them as well. Almost 4 n half yrs with him. Now 5th birthday with him. Hahaha! Cool man! Yep! U too are my great buddy, movie company n � � � (What makes u think I am not normal? Balls 2 u! Hahaha!) We are all now officially declared as �FFWRAM�. Chim huh? Fit For Watching RA Movies. Hahaha! Like wat my bro also telling me, ya ya ya! Why u all so lor-soh!?!?! I will save up. Dun spend so much. It is not zhong yan ni er. Get wat angry? Hahaha! When was last time I got angry with u? Hahaha! Yep! Our friendship will def blossom strong n well 4 many many yrs 2 come. Will nvr let go of u. else ppl on Earth dun need 2 celebrate Yuan Xiao Jie alreadi. Hahaha! N let me tell u 1 last time. THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON WITH ME & *** OR ********!!! Wake up alright!?!?! Kill u when I see u. Hahaha! But still wanna thank u 4 the veri special card. Muack! Hahaha!

Seems like no mood write can also write so much nonsense. Guess I�m happy. Veri happy indeed. Ok, shall end it sweet here b4 any sadness takes over again. Good nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/26/2004 09:14:00 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Hold On

Funny, dun get it wat is with me n this past memories. Checked back with my old MP3 files 2dae. Came across this super retro song by Wilson Phillips. Got the lyrics down on my blog. Think I realli need it esp this pt of time 2 realli wake me up frm all this shit hype. Title is �Hold On�.

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day
'Cause it's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

Find these lyrics veri encouraging. Shldn�t always b dwelling on worries n prob. Juz hold on 2 myself n change according 2 the situation. It is painful, but it will soon suside. Wld tt b worth it instead of chaining up ur old character n b in eternal pain?

Prob if any of u out there facing same prob like me, hope these lyrics will boost u all up a little. Juz give a little encouragement. Hope it helps. Will try 2 load this song up on my blog ASAP 4 all 2 enjoy. Ok, need 2 do some other things. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/25/2004 10:27:00 PM

In Reply...

Dear Phoebe,
Thanks 4 the reply of my letter. Though u nvr even provide me with any solution (Believe u also blur n solutionless.), u provide me with laughter.

Actually I had these furry screen mates b4. Juz lost them whn I formatted my pc few yrs back. Hearing their yawns, their sneezes, their baas realli bring back the smiles. Hahaha! Clumsy movement of them running n whacking into each other. Hahaha! And best of all, waiting 4 their bathe time. Zoom into the bathtub literally. Hahaha!

Guess u are quite good @ bringing back the smiles. Hahaha! Thanks a lot.

Hve add a link here on my blog. Juz right click n save it 2 ur PC n try. Virus-free, dun worry. Dun need juz add one. I think the max number is 8, though I find 3 in good enough. Too many becomes quite a crowd. Ok, good day!

From lost, confused but smiling soul

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/25/2004 12:57:00 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Wat Shld I Do?

Dear Phoebe,
I hve handled a lot of probs b4. Apparently, this prob now I�m facing is one which I hve realli no idea how 2 handle. It is a veri fragile situation which is mainly on my part, frm my view.

I hve this grp of friends whom I known during my army days. I hve grown veri close 2 thm. They 2 me, I believe I do hold some high position in their circle of friends. If this is so, it is def not a prob. Now the prob lies differently here.

I feel as close friends, we maintain tt level thru words n seldom actions. We reality, we act veri like normal acquaintances. I am veri puzzled n lost as 2 wat I can do, n wat not 2 do. Wat 2 expect, n wat not 2 expect. Let me explain wat I mean.

As close friends, we can share almost everything n anything. We understand each other tt the others will take it the rite way n filter away anything which is nonsense or irrelevant. With normal friends, speech n actions gotta much taken care of as many things done or said are taken pretty literal. There is a limit as 2 wat u can say r do. Apparently, not so frm last nite, I got scolded n slam in the face with money frm a comment I made. Wat was tt 2 mean? Was the friendship worth tt much onli? The comment was a veri harmless comment I feel, since we are tt close. Wat shld I hve done?

I kept my cool n tried analyse the situation by providing him a shoulder. Obviously he has been facing a lot of pressure frm work. Wat can I do 2 relieve tt stress? After tt, I felt so bad, I left the table 4 a walk 2 cool down. I came back with a total changed attitude of his. Was I supposed 2 continue my normal conversation? I cannot coz I realised half the time I was thinking so hard 2 filter wat 2 speak n wat not 2, filter wat 2 do or wat not 2, in order not 2 worsen the situation.

Frm this, another comment was thrown I kept 2 quiet n I am giving attitude. Wat am I supposed 2 do? I talk, I offend. I shut up, I put up barriers. I do not noe wat 2 give coz I believe as a part of a close friend, I hve given all I can but still been faulted. I am lost as 2 wat they want n whn they receive it, they are unable 2 receive it.

Goin home, matters frm b4 made the situation with one of this close friends pretty tense. He knew till a certain level I was a little unhappy. Not 2 touch on it, he decided not 2 probe. Which made the trip home absolutely boring. But funny, I actually dun feel tt bad abt it coz it always happened. I dunno wat he thinks anyway. Yep, we live veri near, so the transport we take is more or less the same. We headed 4 the bus stop, which serve a bus service which drops a distance frm our home. Wat I feel was juz another 500m walk, we wld reach the terminal which serves a service much nearer 2 home. Asking him 2 come along, he refused thus go our separate ways. I understand he was tired frm the previous day�s duty n lazy 2 walk further. But with a close friend, wld it b worth the sacrifice? I mean I noe I cld always join him, reaching a compromise. But I did not.

I dunno but I hve this feeling of taken 4 granted @ times. I believe as close friends, I muz sacrifice n follow the others. Not 2 say it till it is so painful, their company 2 me was worth it. But whn it comes 2 wat I want, juz feel yes, I hve my way, but I hve 2 do it on my own. Why? Is this realli wat havin a close friendship is all abt, havin 2 give as much as u can n expect nothing in return?

I noe I haven�t been the most welcoming as part of the whole grp of friends. I do not share all my prob n give it 2 them thru tantrums. I hve changed tt by taking time away n solve it, then coming back 2 them with a more jolly me. They find me not speaking up much, I corrected tt. I dun give much initiative, I hve tried give my part 2. I noe it is not obvious as this is a veri big step 4 me. I mean, I juz feel getting rejected the whole time by them was realli lousy. Went thru once with the Swenson�s trip, else I realli dunno. Juz been there following other�s bidding. I am happy, coz once again, the company was there. But 2 always do the bidding, feel realli like a puppet dragged by the nose n walk. I am trying my best @ correcting this flaw by no matter wat, I still give my share of ideas if I hve, n this is obviously a veri big step 4 me. Is it enough 4 they all or shld I give more I am not sure. Wat shld I do now?

I feel in both situations, I am realli @ fault, no doubt abt tt. In the sense, yes I created the prob n blew it up. But the reason why I am making so many mistakes is I realli dunno wat 2 give n wat not 2, wat they want n wat they dun want 2. Juz dun think I am in their frequency a lot of times. The main thg, where is the ACTUAL level of placing I stand in their friendship circle. I feel veri confused as 2 wat 2 expect n wat 2 give. I realli am veri mixed up now. I feel veri sleepy n tired frm trying so hard 2 decipher this riddle, but can�t neither can I fall asleep. Is sleeping pills the solution? I dun want another pep talk as we hve been there ample times but with things juz goin back 2 where they are now. Besides, now where the prob lies still remains vague. Wat is there 4 me 2 do 2 rectify it?

Dun ask me 2 leave them as I dun want 2. They mean a lot 2 me. My circle of friends may be big, but whn it comes 2 inner circle, it is veri small. And 4 this fact, I treasure them a lot. Besides, we made a pact 2 remain as close friends n not 2 break this friendship, sth which I believe onli close n treasured friends do 2 keep the bond n contact. Dun realli bother much 2 me with normal friends. I still feel within the company, veri comfortable n homely feeling whn there are no prob. Sth even whn I am clearing leave now, will @ no expense, go back 2 company line juz 2 talk with them, dine out with them, or juz even a short travel home again. It is worth it.

If ur advice is 2 bygones n push the prob aside since the bond is so close, it shld overcome any obstacles, u are half correct. Another prob will soon arise n with everything bottled up, one day, sth will sure explode. How? Wat am I supposed 2 do?

From the desperate, lost n confused soul.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/24/2004 03:32:00 PM

Friday, April 23, 2004

Start Work?

Was supposed 2 start work this morning actually. Guess the manager did not want 2 overstress my 1st day, ask me 2 come @ 7pm instead. Sort of weird timing 2 start work, but @ least it is a start. I mean it is a new place, I hve gotta start somewhere. Haha! Nvm, we shall c how later. Say the true, I am actually quite worried. Not tt no experience. Juz wonder shld I break anything? Will I get fired on the 1st day? Will I 4get an order? Oh dear! Man! Better stop thinking. (Still thinkin all the while actually.)

Sort of pretty upset TT FELLOW is back home again. Or shld I say back 2 his hotel. (dun realli think he ever take this as his home.) Juz pray he dun stay 4 long. Nvm, I noe I shld not b affected by his presence. Easier said than done.

Quite happy with my progress now. Wat progress? My one-man delegation! Haha! Sounds so grand. Anyway, realli manage 2 settle a lot of problems with this time alone. Actually not so alone. Still hve the help of many supportive friends. Though I wld not b sure if by nxt week, will I ever b able 2 regain 2 me myself again. Nvm, juz let time tell n fate roll its dice. Actually feel so like goin back tml. Dun wish 2 b alone with TT FELLOW @ home. Besides, not veri nice 4 Jeff 2 take over my duty. Veri irresponsible of me I muz say. Shall contact him @ nite. Sort of veri indecisive now.

Anyway, yesterday was another busy day. Busy this, busy tt. Details, details, details! Sth I dun think I wish 2 say. But all I can say is, @ least after wat happened the nite b4, realli feel much much happier happier happier. Again, details, still dun wanna b public with it. Haha!

Ok, think I shall end here with a quiz sort of I found on Jon�s blog. Kinda interesting with trying 2 pair u up with dead horror creatures!?!?! Hahaha! Nvm, shall c wat am I. Bro, u vampire. Hmmm� the vampire with a soul, Buffy�s boyfriend, Angel!!! Ok, I lost u. Nvm, 4get abt me. Good dae!

godd
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Is it realli true? Am I charismatic? Ppl drawn 2 me? Hmmm� Emotional distant is definitely. In tune with others? Is it sayin I am sensitive? Damn rite! Haha! Neglect myself? bEsT fRiEnDs 2 hve. Joking rite? Hahaha! Ppl are doomed 2 know me. Sigh! Nvm, u all judge 4 urself.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/23/2004 09:28:00 AM

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

So fast? A breather?

Hahaha! It�s been onli 2 days n I am alreadi crying out loud. Realli failure man! Actually feelin veri veri tired. Cramping up 2 much things all @ 1 go, I guess. Took the afternoon 4 a breather with Niu Lang since he is on off 2dae. Yep! Off 4 his medical appointment @ NUS. Can�t believe u need check up 2 enter NUS. Funny! But juz wonder will I ever hve a chance. Sigh!

Anyway, went 4 bowling @ Lavender 2dae. Been a long while since we last bowled. Guess 2dae, results were like shit. Haha! Anyway, was pretty expensive 2 me. $2.50 per game. Oooo! Pocket burn another hole. Nvm, @ least we enjoyed all the old memories. Saw my juniors anyway. Dun recognize them. Juz make me feel so old, so grown up. Sob!

It was pretty early after the game, I guess, so decided 2 meet up with Peici n Chaowei in the city 4 a movie. Yep! Glad her papers are all done. Guess hve more time with her. Juz hope I hve too. Work starts this fri. Will talk more on it after on fri. Ok, so instead of the normal bus ride, decided 2 walk n view the yesterdae collapsed Nicoll Highway. Hit a lot of headlines 2dae. Muz say it was quite an artistic sight. But most of the collapsed area was fenced up 2dae. Sigh! Wonder will tt ever happen 2 the buildings in Singapore? The poor civil engineer who constructed the bridge muz b hving a real hard time now. Wonder if nxt time I am given a chance 2 take up civil engineering, will it happen 2 me? Sigh!

Not too much on this sad news, met Benny in Suntec 2dae. Yeh! U did not heard wrongly. Benny, our ex-armt clerk. He looks so different now. So different in business wear. Hahaha! So grown up! Got his name card too. Benny Lum, Associate, Financial Planning Division. Woah! So cool! Got name card. Realli envy him. Raffles Place, OUB Centre!!! Even more cool! Lookin @ him realli make me wonder wat has the future installed 4 me? Frm where I stand now, feel so sad. Feel like this one-man crusade 2 failure. Sigh again!

Let�s dwell back 2 sth happy again. Yep! Caught a movie with my grp of family. 50 First Dates. Funny funny funny! Hahaha! Juz make me wonder again, will I ever find love? Friendships I already hving so much prob in handling, finding a wife, not 2 mention a girlfriend. I juz feel so hopeless, helpless n lost. Man! Like wat I remembered in Vijay�s play, Silver Raindrops, life is like muddy waters. The difference, they are walking thru it, I am drowning. Man! How?

I juz feel life is so hard 2 walk now. The price of growing up juz keeps inflating each second. Juz feel this person with a molehill on his shoulders. The nxt moment he turn ard, it has grown 2 the size of Everest. Realli finding great difficult 2 breath. Pls teach me how u all survive thru such ordeals everyday. Sigh! Does growing up means u gotta lose so much n gain more prob? If so, I realli dun want 2 grow up. Guess this is impossible. Haha!

Got home by bus 2dae. Waited 4 this 73 like 4 half an hour. Got me thinkin of wat Kevin said b4. Hve u waited 4 a bus 4 so long till @ last u give up n flag a cab. The nxt thing u noe, the bus is behind. Hahaha! Did not want tt 2 happen, so juz waited patiently. Anyway, I had no place 2 rush 2. It is home. Besides, Jon, I hve heed ur advice n scoldings n save money. Thanks a lot! Juz got me thinkin whn u want sth so much, it will nvr come. The moment u dun want it, it keeps coming. As I said, life has this sadistic mind of its own, toying with us n making us part of this freaking puppet show. Hve it occurred 2 u all yet? Hahaha! I am fighting so hard 2 stand, but even mother nature n father fate is against me. Teach me HOW? HOW? HOW?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/21/2004 09:24:00 PM

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Weary

Been a while since I update my blog. Not realli nothing happened. A lot happened juz realli out of colours 2 update. So much had happen juz within these few days. Nothing happy. Or juz mainly on my sadness.

Yesterday had a breather with my Niu Lang @ town. Thanks a lot 4 the non-mentioned treat. Plus plus the cinema show. I noe I was late. Sorry. Apparently, was thinking so much till I locked myself in the house. Pai seh! Realli troubled!

Friday went back 4 my dental FFI. Due 2 the fault of S1 branch, the dates were mixed up. Ended up, the whole medical centre was flooded by our 6DSMBians. All the ORD personnel. Thank God armt guys went early, beat the queue 2 b the first few. Met a few of my old classmates. Funny thing, their ORD dates are all earlier than mine. Yep! On the 10th Jun. Apparently they were frm the PTP batch. Frm wat I compared, army def slimmed them down. Good 4 them.

Was hving a pretty bad dae. Thus, got into another conflict with my bro. True, it is def getting veri often. I juz hve no idea. Apparently, the SMS I send did not realli solve much but aggravated the prob. Am realli sorry 4 all the trouble.

Saturday n Sunday passed by pretty badly. Realli veri worried by the situation. Juz dunno how 2 handle so many prob well @ one go. Apparently, all my prob suffered badly. Not onli with my bro. Went out with my Niu Lang yesterdae n thru him, got some solutions. Actually wat I feel none of the solutions tt came out was wat I want. On further thinking n consideration, the pros outweigh the cons.

Dun realli wish 2 touch on much of the prob. As I feel it is sth I want 2 deal on my own. I dunno how long will it take 2 solve veri one of them. Juz I noe I muz solve them.

But these solutions lay on one main decision I made. A decision 2 hve a period of isolation frm all the close friends I made in camp. Feel I�ve dragged u all along 2 much. U hve suffered a lot with me. Fri�s conflict with my bro, I feel was the last straw. If this was 2 happen again, results might b veri different. I am not saying tt I want or enjoying doing it alone, but I feel I had 2. It is a must. I hope u guys will understand on my part, tt I do feel the hurt a lot 2 b drag away frm all of u. But I dun want 2 c u all worry or b unhappy. U all can�t walk this path with me n b unaffected. 4 this I can�t take u all along. I am not pulling out, or letting go all any friendships I hve with u all. I am still an SMS or phone call away. Juz tt I will not b there in person. 4 how long is indefinite. But I�ll try my best 2 put things on my side right ASAP. I juz hope u all can give me ur support. I am veri sorry 4 being so selfish.

Weixiong, tt nite @ Starbucks, I am realli sorry 4 tt attitude. Not tt I dun wanna tell u. juz feel Starbucks was not realli the place. Plus, I dunno if u wld make it into a laughing matter. I am truthly sorry. Jon, if he still wants 2 noe, do help me update him 4 me. Thanks! Weixiong, pls do keep it 2 urself. Dun want make it into a laughing stock by others.

And 4 u Jon, I realli dunno wat 2 say 2 u. Apparently, u realli suffered the most with me. Noe no amt of sorries will cure the many wounds I inflicted on u n the friendship. But I still want 2 say sorry sorry sorry. Wat I told u thru the phone, I will let this b written in words as a promise n it will always stand. U are always my bro n I will nvr let u go. The bond will always stay. Nvr will it drop nor rise till �rudabaga�. My HP will b the assurance. I still want it back k? But feel free 2 use it if u want. Also, dun stay 2 long away frm SMS contact k? Will depend a lot on it 4 strength. U hve ur conditions juz now? I shall try my best 2 comply 2 them. I juz hve one. Stop arguing with me tt how great a friend I am. I am not. I believe there is someone who is better. Realli.

Alright guys. Do keep in close phone contact. Will miss u all n do take care! Will b back n well ASAP. Cya soon.

p.s. the song which I sort of upload hve some meaning 2 wat I am feeling but maybe no relevance. Oxymoron huh? Nvm, enjoy! VJ, still remember u sang this song during karaoke. Nicely done with great voice. Take care too alright?

p.s. apparently, found out got sth wrong somewhere. Music cant play. Believe muz b sth 2 do with the server since it is under-construction. But use another style of uploading music. Hope it works on ur pc.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/18/2004 08:13:00 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Tedious / Feelings

Been in front of the PC the whole dae. But juz trying 2 set up my movie listing webpages. U hve no idea how hard is it 2 start a webpage direct frm scratch. And worse, hope it is nice n impressive. Apparently, I onli got the info n details up onli now. As 4 the impressive part, I think I shall leave it 2 tml maybe. Totally shagged.

Yep! Uploaded the webpages onli till the year 2002. Still left with 2003 n 2004. Dunno if hve anymore energy. Apparently, these years hve the most no of entries. Haha! Nvm, nvr give up.

Receive quite a no of calls 2dae. Some sad, some happy. Some totally no feelings, some got me thinking. Dunno wat 2 say now.

Sort of feel lost suddenly. Birthdays are so near yet hve not done anything. Plus, 4 mine, juz dunno wat 2 do. Feel so like juz giving it a pass. Sigh! Juz feel a total failure whn it comes 2 such prob plus more prob n more prob. Dunno why am I feeling like this now.

Or maybe actually feeling like travelling 2 a place, nvr 2 return. Yep! A far far away place with no return. Leave behind the sad world. This world seems so near, yet so far. Shall I regret goin or not? Shld I go there or not? I dunno.

Juz feelings. It is feelings. So much feelings with no actions. Was thinking of putting in action. To do or not to do?

p.s. Been quite a while I noe. But wld like ask again who is tt person who left the note in my shoutbox with the name as "unknown"? Juz like 2 noe who is it. Can mail me or sth 2 identify urself if u want private, can? Thanks!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/14/2004 09:40:00 PM

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Movie Marathon

@ last it is a wish come true. Or actually it came true alreadi. Juz due 2 army, my hobby sort of hve 2 cease. Did my 1st movie marathon this yr. Caught 2 shows 2 b exact. Taking Lives n Passion Of Christ. Veri glad I am back in track. Ok, I noe sme ppl will think it is a total waste of money. 4 me I dun. 4 the record, sme ppl spend hundreds on stamps, while sme spend on phone cards. Sme on CDs n sme on food. 4 me, it is a little unique. I wld spend it on movies. It is juz a pastime. Expensive I noe but smethg which actually helps me relax.

I find movies interesting. Though it is juz a short fantasy, I feels it projects the real me out of my body 4 tt 2 hour period. Sort of giving me a break frm the real world. I believe many ppl feels the same way as I do but wat ppl dunno abt me is tt, movies gives me the release frm the tension in life, allowing me 2 hve the feeling I am in control of sth I cannot hve. Freedom. Not saying I can control movies, but def able 2 predict how it will turn out. I noe it does sounds veri confusing. I nvr say I am easy 2 understand.

Also went back camp 2dae. Apparently, it got me thinking again. Frm how the wkshp is functioning now, frm the talk with Giant n Joel, frm the hardwkingness of Jon in RnI, frm various talks with diff grps of ppl in the wkshp, frm the attitude I receive, juz cannot stop thinking so much. I mean it is def not wrong 2 think but 4 me, it is. Kinda happy but sad, glad but regretful, comforted but worried. I noe I am talking like an oxymoron. I am. Hard 2 realli bring 2 words. Shall not try 2. Juz make me sound dumb.

Apart frm this, hve decide 2 add an addition feature in my blog. A movie review of all the shows I caught since I can remember. Apparently, yes, I am quite organize. Come 2 realize it on few occasions being told by few ppl. Though I dun think so @ times. Dunno. Am thinking again. Anyway, it is juz @ my sidebar. Check it out. Tt��s onli whn it is ready. Which I hope soon. Hey! It onli includes movies I caught in theatres, not other sources, else the list will b 4ever. Yah! Guess tt��s 2dae��s blog. Good dae!

p.s. Jon, as much as I think, I dun think will b del my yesterdae's entry. As dumb as it sounds, but @ least it shows the true feelings I was hving yesteraday. Promise u the truth, can u handle the truth? This shows, not all my daes make perfect sense, nor does it sounds mature @ times. Think too much n realli out of the box. So, final verdict, shall nvr del an entry unless by law, forces me too.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/13/2004 08:27:00 PM

Monday, April 12, 2004

Karma

Woke up 2dae pretty late. Sort of hving a veri guilty feeling 2dae. Juz regretted sth I did yesterdae. I mean it may not seem big, but prob wat has happened 2 me actually makes me think n ya ya ya! I noe I am thinking again.

But I am actually pretty sorry. Yep! I mean shld not hve gone ard n kick or step my friends yesterdae. I noe it is definitely now like a small matter, but realli, it got me thinking. If tt was my fave shoes, I wld definitely castrate the fellow. Sorry Jon!

Ya, n if 2dae I actually wanted 2 go out, n becoz of a kick, I injure my leg, will definitely hate the person like shit! Sorry VJ!

I think most likely they wld hve 4gotten abt it, but I did not. Or maybe, they are still hve it in their hearts, juz not willing 2 say. Prob tt might change their minds 2 ask me out again? Who noes!?!?! Nvm, nevertheless, still like 2 say I am veri sorry!

As I said, karma! Everything will eventually get back @ u. Ok, think all of u are dyin g2 noe why I am thinking of such strange things. Apparently, I think whn I tried 2 kick VJ @ Swensons yesterdae, I believe I kick the table leg instead. Now my shin has this swell. Not saying it is big, believe it will get well by tml, but it definitely got the driving of deep thinking. Anyway, is pretty pain 2dae. Spend a lot fo time actually rubbing it. Sigh! Juz make me feel so guilty. Sorry!

Nvm, realli gotta try control my violence a bit. I mean it was not like I was not told of it b4, juz nvr bother 2 change. Think I better learn my lesson now. Gotta restrain myself.

Now, am thinking again. Nah! Not going 2 say it on air. Hahaha! Wanna noe, u juz hve 2 dig. Or maybe 2 balance the scale, u can beat it out of me. Haha! Sorry! Shall end here. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/12/2004 09:27:00 PM

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Is My Prob Realli Solved?

Veri happy 2dae, or juz say since yesterdae noon. Why rite? I mean, 1st time I ask the group out, they actually do come out. Realli surprised they actually did. Or shld I say, Vijay n Jon onli lah. But small steps, small small steps. Still veri happy alreadi. But was thinking juz now, apparently, talk 2 my bro on Thursday. He did mentioned sth abt keep tryin, till one day if they do come out, it will b a surprise 2 me. Were their presence 2dae sth 2 do with it? Or they realli wish 2 come out? Been telling my mind not 2 doubt them. Anyway, shld not let my thoughts spoilt the mood n friendship. Decide throw away tt notion n juz enjoy their company.

Ok, back 2 yesterdae, went down 2 Yiming's house 2 seek his help. Woah! Been a realli long time since I last met up with him. Glad he is doin quite well. Anyway, went 2 his house 2 scan sme photos. Yah! As promised, have posted the photos I took with Xiao Chin @ the Lord Of The Rings Exhibition.

I Big, U Small

Boy! I Shrunk My PC!

U Big, I Small
Shrunk now!
PC Bully Man! No Care For Soldiers!!!

Also added new photos 2 my Friendsters. Ya! I noe u all are pretty sick of it liao. Also hve a personal album. Check the links by the side la. Photos quite little 4 now, but will cont adding.

Anyway, ya, chatted with him a lot. Guess since now I am pretty free, most likely 2 keep in contact with him. Time 2 find my friends back. But main thing, gotta thank him 4 his help.

Back till 2dae. Was veri glad I went 2 church 2dae. Apparently, 2dae is Easter. Plus, been a realli long time since I went 2 church. Sorry! Ok, the church was definitely crowded 2dae. Apparently, there is onli 1 service 2dae, so imagine 3 service into 1. Woah! Sermon was comical, but all ended pretty fast.

Then i was off 2 meet Jon, Xiao Chin n VJ 4 @ Somerset. Caught a show @ Cineleisure. Hellboy. Sounds pretty cocky the title, but the show was okay. Juz the ending was a little off. I mean, there were many small villains. Apparently, Hellboy took a lot of time n effort 2 kill them off. But the super villain, which I hate 2 say was quite alien fake sort of, was like killed in 1 min??? Believable? I dunno. I mean there is sth I juz can't pt my finger @. Nvm, u all catch it then u all noe.

Ate @ Subway 4 lunch, dinnner @ NYDC n supper @ Swensons. Muz say I realli spend a lot 2dae. But as long everyone is happy, the money is well-spend. Like 2 c my friends happy. Makes me happy too. Sounds like I am veri easy 2 please huh? U are wrong. Dun wanna go in it.

Anyway, met Kevin on the train home. (Meet ghost la! Such a small world!) Chatted a bit. Muz say 2dae was definitely a great dae. Hope this will juz b the start, not end. Thank God! Alright, shall end here. Still a lot of things 2 do. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/11/2004 11:43:00 PM

Saturday, April 10, 2004

This Is So Meaningful!

Days have been uneventful. Or juz say, boring. Or actually, it is not la. Erhmm.. Nvm, not realli willing 2 say why, but in order not 2 keep u readers bored, juz post this super meaningful mail I received frm a friend. Juz sorta summarised so much things I've been thru the last few mths. The struggles, the doubts, the pain. Not say it has ended, but juz say I've grown 2 accept sme of thm as part n parcel of my life. Sme are still facing as a tough challenge 2 me. I believe I will find the ans. Here it goes.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Sayin something and wishin you had not?, or
Sayin nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid 2 tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart, or
If you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it does not.
You cannot tell your heart what 2 do. It does it on its own. When you least suspect it, or even when you do not want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid 2 care too much. For fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard 2 handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid. Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you 2 jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

What would you do if every time you fell in love you had 2 say good-bye?

What would you do if every time you wanted someone, they would never be there?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)

What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?

What would you do if you never got the chance 2 say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?

People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid), you would be in my heart.
Would I be in yours?

If you care about me as much as I care about you, you will send this back

You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,

I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

Ok, not tt I'm asking ppl 2 send this back 2 me. Thanks a lot. Kindda juz totally cut n paste it frm my mail. Anyway, it is quite true. Things which are always in my heart, but nvr spoken out. Maybe it is becoz it is surpressed by the rules of society? Maybe. Maybe. It is unlike of guys 2 actually think of this, let alone speak it out. Like the heart 2 heart talk with someone, I sorta agree we're quite feminine in character. Guys shldn't b so sensitive. Guys shldn't beat ard the bush over relationship prob. I mean, they do, but not so long. Juz tt a lot of things make sense.

As much as it sounds good, which sometimes I do think so, I kinda like also think it is a negative pt. Juz make us flooded with endless prob. It drains one's life force n stops us frm moving on. Juz makes our brains explode. (If it does happen, realli wonder how is anyone goin 2 piece up the gezillion pieces of me; or will anyone care?) Feel it is more 2 a hinderance. Worse whn u meet someone totally of this nature, all hell breaks loose. It is like magnets of like poles repelling like crazy. Happy 2 say, @ least 4 now, this chapter of my life is coming 2 a close. Nope, not going 2 split, prob let time demagnetized us both? I mean there will bound 2 b sequels 2 this story. But if any of this shld happen, I'll learn frm his experience with VJ, nvr 2 end it. Juz makes things more messy. Problems might b good. Open up hearts, clear up doubts, bond the friendship better etc. Who noes?

Of course I hope the story is set w/o anymore episodes. Let this fairy tale end with the prince n princess live happily ever after n WORLD PEACE. Haha! But shld there b one, pls God, let it still end with a equally happy ending like this chapter of my life. Thanks God! Amen!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/10/2004 01:32:00 PM

Friday, April 09, 2004

Special Letter 2 My Bro, Jon

Last nite was home veri late. Or shld I say was home onli this morn? Yep! Went out with Jon n Weixiong yesterday 4 dinner @ Orchard. Din say dinner was absolutely 2 my stomach. But had it still. Once again, talk a lot on life issues, work matters. As a matter, was 2 keep me updated. Anyway, did go back 2 the wkshp after fall out b4 tt. Realised a lot hve changed. Guess I am in no liberty 2 say was it 4 the better or 4 the worse. But I juz dunno. As much as I want 2 b flexible, a part of me juz keep looking bckwds n hope nothig hve changed. Juz think it is human nature 2 think like this.

Anyway, the highlight was not much on the outing, but the heart talk I had with Jon. Actually was realli troubled the last few days. I mean, there is this prob I��m facing, added on the stress of so many other prob. Juz feel whnever I face any of the prob, juz feel so weak n wanna break down n cry. It is a grief, it is lost, it is a mixed. Realli broke down last nite when he finally asked me on the bus trip home. Not say I completely broke down coz I controlled a lot, but the tears cld not help but rolled down. Juz let my heart do all the talking. Apparently, he took it quite well. Muz say he was prepared since I mailed him a lot of times past 2 days, mainly 2 encourage him, but also 2 seek refuge in him too.

Dun think I will ever type out wat I am facing now as it is a memory I realli hope after this, I will 4get. One thing I gotta say from all of last nite, I faced most of the prob yesterday with my bro��s help. Juz sth which I dun think will ever do. He actually taught sth veri dear which I muz def adapt into my life. It is called truth n sincerity. Watever he was feeling with his friends yesterday, he spoke it out 2 them truthfully n hopes 2 solve it. Not sure if he was prepared 4 any outcome, b it good or bad, but I believe he was prepared. This is sth which I hve never had the courage 2 do. Juz feel if sometimes I wld hide the truth, there is still a chance tt the friendship will cont. I realise from yesterday, this thinking was veri wrong as by dragging this, this is gonna b the foundation 4 a weak relationship. If friendship wld 2 b based on trust, sincerity n truth muz the key.

Wld not say after yesterday, I am ok, coz I am not. But I definitely feel better. Dun feel energized coz he is not a battery charger. Anyway, I am still feeling veri drained. But he managed 2 help me achieve sth. He gave me the will 2 keep pushing on no matter how tired n weary I am. It is sth, no one has done b4 4 me in my life. And I wld not say anyone can do it, coz it realli takes a special person 2 actually motivates one 2 push on n fight a war even whn the odds are all against him.

Dun think many will understand wat I am realli talking here much till u realli experience it b4. There is still so much thgs we talked n so much thgs I hve learn thru those few hours. We talked till like 3+ in the morn? Wld not say all I wld take it, but sme I will def put in my life. I mean, after all life is all abt changing 4 the better. But one thg is 4 sure, never will I hide my feelings 4 a close friend ever again if I am hoping 2 go far with him or her. Sincerity n truth shall b the focus pt 4 now.

Wanna realli thanks my bro 4 being there so late, so patient n persistent towards me. U hve once again proven 2 me my correct choice of believing n accepting u as my bro. U hve blasted all doubts n questions I held against u 4 so long in my heart. Realli at a loss of words now. Wld not juz say gratitude 2 u, but showered me with sth gratitude will not pay. I guess wat u ask of me is a friendship of truth n trust, which I am def willing 2 let u go. U hve proven me tt even if we not there ard each other, there is always this special place in ur heart tt I will maintain, a part of ur care n concern I will always hve. 4 this, I am letting u go. Focus ur mind on other prob while mine on my prob n noe we will nvr neglect the friendship we share. I share the sme stand 4 u n noe tt, 4 wat u given me now, I will give back 2 u ten folds n better. Thanks a lot! Will still look 4ward 2 meeting out with all of u again n dun worry, I��ll b back 2 normal.

p.s. U hve given a nite of thinking tt I think I hve found the solution 2 my present grief. Thanks a lot! Will tell u whn we meet nxt time.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/09/2004 11:42:00 AM

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Terrible! Juz Plain Terrible!

My! Dunno wat 2 say. Prob shut up n silence would b the best @ times. Dunno wat 2 say. Am I bored? YES! Am I busy? YES! Am I thinking a lot 2dae? YES! Having a total mix of feelings now. Thinking so much have made me veri veri tired 2dae.

Dun wish 2 say wat has happen 2dae or yesterday. Sad sad sad! Juz lost of wat 2 say I guess. Think I will go back 2 camp tml 4 a little relax. All these thinking n events occurring these few hours are driving me crazy. Sigh! I should not even b in front of this pc now. Instead I juz feel I need 2 put my mind aside 4 a while b4 it realli explodes. Not onli I am feeling this way. Everyone in the family is feeling this way. Had 2 do sth 2 distract ourselves out of reality. Feel pretty lost sort of now. Sigh!

Funny, words still dun come out. Dunno wat 2 write. Can��t expect myself 2 type it out on public web. Can��t think of any euphemism 2 describe my situation right now. Perhaps those who realli wanna noe, u will find out some way or another. Juz not thru blogs. HP ringing again. Think I will end here. Bye!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/07/2004 08:34:00 PM

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

2Dae

All I wanna say. 2dae I am realli brain-juice dried. Juz spend 2 hours typing a letter. Now realli can't think of another thing 2 write. Juz hope all was not 4 nothing. Though actually, I was being pretty optimistic of myself writing. Actually, I believe I onli manage achieve half of wat I wrote. Nvm, onli 1 person will understand wat I'm talking here.

Hey! Does not mean I onli achieve half of it, I dun mean it. I mean every word I said.

Update u all another dae. Not the letter, wat happen 2dae I mean. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/06/2004 08:52:00 PM

Monday, April 05, 2004

I Am Back? So Soon?

Yep! 2dae I am on off. But still went back camp 4 parade. Juz feel like I had 2. Juz a form of respect 4 my OC 4 taking such good care of me. Prob this is the last thing I can do.

However, was quite surprised @ the simplicity of the whole parade. Felt more could have been done. Nevertheless, I still am happy 2 b in the parade with all my friends. But there is definitely a different feeling 2dae. A feeling which I think will change a lot of things.

Did a bit of thinking after 2dae��s visit back 2 camp. Though I onli been away 4 like half a day, the feeling of going back 2 camp with a status is definitely different. Juz feel the burden of my section totally lifted off my shoulders. 4 the first time I walk in the camp n I do not need 2 bear the constraints of army discipline or workshop production. It was like I was a total stranger in a new place.

Of course I do miss the times I had. But something is telling me tt those were the daes. Sth is telling 2 move 4ward n look @ the brighter future. Actually felt the coldness of the camp 1st time after so long. Gives me the strength not 2 turn back again.

I mean wat is there 2 miss now? Wat I yearn 4 n hope 2 achieve, I have done it. Many of these things cannot b carry with me 2 the future tt awaits me. I gotta let go, even if it means pain. Which actually, nothing pains me 2 leave now, not even friends. Juz feel the superficiousness of friends in camp. Everything is all behind a mask. Now I fully understand why ppl will say the best of friends will come in the youth of schooling life, never @ work. Prob it is time 2 let go of the hopes of finding close friends in the working society n juz remain acquaintances. No one bothers keep in contact anyway? It is juz a cliche ppl use,2 bid farewell. Juz feel so cheated 4 so many years. Time 2 wake from those dreams.

Tt��s wat I think 4 now. Told u all I think a lot, but this time it juz feels it makes perfect sense. Or maybe, this ideology might change if something or someone is able 2 do sth 2 prove me wrong. Of which I cannot see anyway in the near future I lost hope in.

Am feeling pretty heartbroken n disorientated @ the way things have turn out. A song in mind. Wrote down the lyrics too. Celine Dion's Call The Man.

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall

Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
Now the future isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here

He's needed here
He's needed here
Call the man

He's needed here
Right here right now.

Am definitely looking 4 the man. Celine once again. All By Myself.

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

Where 2 move on from here? I have nowhere 2 go.

p.s. I noe u will never let go. I will never too. But with a future so bleak, u think we should? Dun feel bad, coz I dun. If u do, means u never give ur best. I gave my all n I am glad I did. Believe u did tt too. But I guess all was not enough. Nevertheless, I still am glad I knew u n I noe u feel the same way too. U are the pain I shall always carry, 4 the promise of holding on will never die. To, u noe who u are.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/05/2004 09:00:00 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Good Friends, Great Outing

Haha! Couldn��t find a more appropiate title 2 this entry. Anyway, juz step home n now typing my entry 4 2dae n yesterdae��s events. Feeling in a veri good mood now. So let��s start with yesterday.

4 a veri veri long time, @ last I saw my cousin, Jeffery again. Met him n his wife @ Bugis. Was supposed 2 get a HP n line, but ended up, due 2 the foreigner thingy rule, mission failed. Haha! Better luck next time. But @ least all wasn��t wasted. Managed 2 go down Katong 4 laksa. Realli missed this laksa a lot. Anyway, still yearning 4 it. Haha! Sounds like I am a pretty big glutton myself. Haha!

Met up with Niu Lang in the afternoon. Actually went down 2 Chinatown 2 roam around the tour agencies 4 our upcoming trip 2 Hong Kong. Not really confirm the details. Juz hope I will b able 2 raise enough funds 4 my trip.

Down 2 2dae��s events. Met up with Giant n Xiao Chin. Asked a few of my close friends too, but as expected, none will turn out la. Juz ask them 4 formalities. After all, none did ever turn out when I organized anything. But tt��s beside the pt. I had a great time 2dae. Hey! 2dae was my 1st movie with my junior batch!!! N it was with Xiao Chin n Giant!!! Anyway, when lunching @ NYDC 1st. (Watever tt stands 4 anyway.) The food I muz say still not bad. Will go back still in the future. Juz tt, with whom? Hahaha! Hehehe! Hohoho!

Also went 4 a game of pool b4 the show. CLARIFICATION!!! I juz sit by the side while they play. Not realli into the whole game of pool thingy. But enjoy their company. Guess going out with friends does not realli matter on the activities much. The company is the best. Haha!

So went 4 the movie after the game. Man! Fancy watching a love comedy with 2 guys. Not saying I did not do tt b4, but with 2 new guys. Tt��s different. The show was good anyway. Prince and me. If onli a princess would want me. Too bad, I am juz Matthew. Onli Matthew. Sigh! But indeed a veri romantic show I muz say.

Oh yah! 4got 2 mention, @ last manage 2 get my Samsung HP in working condition. Haha! Thanks sister! Though, I might not b using it tt often. Nvm, @ least now selling it will not b a problem. Raise money 4 my Hong Kong trip.

Ok, shall end here 4 2dae. Not much in a chatting mood. Tired I guess. @ least no need go 2 camp 4 the 1st weekday. I muz realli get use 2 tt. Trying 2 look 4 a job still. But prob, tomo might have a surprise. Shall c then. Pray hard. Nitey readers!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/04/2004 09:58:00 PM

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Clearing Starts Here!

Yep! 2dae is the 1st dae I am realli starting 2 clear leave. Was supposed 2 start on Thu, but did not. Was also supposed 2 start on yesterdae, but covering Sam's CDO duty. So guess 2dae is the official date. Haha!

Anyway, make it a quick blog since I am going out soon. Meet my cousin, Jeffery who is out in Singapore.

Yesterdae, went pretty smoothly. Had a nice last dae, or so. Not realli last dae as I guess I'll b popping back pretty often. Still can't put down my friends.

Went out with Vijay 4 dinner @ Fish & Co. Glass House after tt 2 have a talk with him. Spoke a lot with him n realise a lot behind his mask of smiles. He realli have a veri sad backgrd. But guess his character is also quite different from mine.

Guess he is more like a friend I'll meet everydae but due 2 circumstances, got pretty close 2. Dun realli share the same character, unlike with Jon. Dun think we would travel veri veri close as I am one who needs lot of attention. Apparently, he will not b able 2 realli fulfill tt. But, definitely still wanna keep in contact with him. Also tried 2 bridge the gap btwn him n my bro. Dun realli noe wat 2 say. Juz feel such a friendship is wasted. But one thing I gotta agree with Vijay. A friendship should not b broken up by the 2 friendships who shared it. It should onli b broken by external forces. So, they should try make it last n not ending it up with words. Chim? Simply, no one should withdraw but try make it last instead. Will onli end unless an external force intervene.

Yep! Totally agree 2 it. Guess I'm goin 2 make tt a pt in life. No matter wat, goin 2 make my frienship last with Jon. No matter wat the insecurity I feel, I will juz hang on the belief tt he will not let go of this friendship. Prob tt should work my prob with him out. Thanks Vijay 4 tt advice.

Ok, guess I realli need 2 go alreadi. Else I'll b late soon. Good dae!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/03/2004 10:06:00 AM

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Half Day?

Juz sat down in front of my pc n now start 2 write my blog. Yep! Juz got back from work. Half day? Yes, u heard correctly. Apparently, I gave SAF a free half day. Of course I had my reasons.

The cover up reason was I am meeting my cousin, Jeffrey. Yes, I am meeting him. Juz waiting for his call. Apparently, till now, he has not called back yet. 3 reasons. Either he overslept, he 4got or sth came up @ the last moment. Wait until sun also set. Haha!

Main reason. I miss all my friends. I miss tt sunshine bear, Andrew. I miss tt yogi bear, Yongyi. (sounds like anyway.) I miss my gor gor, Fangsheng. Mostly, I miss my brother, Jon. (apparently, he was out of RnI the whole dae.) Realli glad I could spend quality time with them 2dae. Helps me 2 stop thinking so much which I am starting 2 think quite a lot now. Apparently, again, not good things. Sigh!

Other reason was 2 allow my on-course mates 2 realise the fact I am not leaving them alone. I am still with them. Though I do stand some benefits. Dun need 2 work, which I still did. Dun need 2 fall in, which I was still around. Most of all, I did not run away early. I still stayed back, not 4 fun. Juz accompany Wan Poo, Joel n Jon. I juz dunno wat 2 do.

Apparently, I dun think my efforts are working. They are still using me as an example 2 try squeeze out more ORD off. The management were still firm on their decision n not give in, which I feel made them even more pissed off with me. Juz feel so @ fault now. Me n my mouth. Why? Still dunno wat 2 say. Apparently, they had 2 clear their leave n off like my 1st plan. Thru half days n it onli able 2 start like mid April still. Can��t say much though I feel now after my actions, I dun realli deserve so much off. Realli sad n remorse.

Last reason was 2 guide my new section mate, Abel in his new section. Apparently, he was posted here 2dae from RS1. Welcome him here. Juz felt a pity dun have chance 2 guide him. But I will not b gone 4 long. Still will b back often 2 mix around n c the company.

Still @ a loss on wat 2 do. Juz feeling so sad 2 cause so much sadness in those around me. Wonder wat can I do 2 make the pain go away.

p.s. Apart from CPT Don, Xiao Chin N MSG Sivan whom I thank yesterday, would like futher extent my thanks 2 more ppl.
Jeff 4 covering my CDO duty on 24th.
Jia Hao 4 being so understanding n not being jealous despite him clearing later than me.
Giant 4 the listening ear 4 my prob yesterday.
Lastly, 2 my bro, Jon 4 the heart-2-heart talk, the patience, the assurance again, the care n concern, the sms-es, the initiative, the undying support, plus all the unmentioned effort n heart 4 keeping me this useless friend firm on his feet, the will 2 move on. I��m like this bloody heavy stone on the floor whom he is carrying on his back n walking me thru the rough terrain. And me this good-4-nothing friend juz keep doubting u. I��m sorry too! I will keep the msg n whenever I start doubting u, take out n read 2 wake myself up. Jon, thanks!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 4/01/2004 08:02:00 PM