Matthew Goh I am...
Am Chinese Christian with a dying dialect, Foochow.
Evolved into 11 this April.
However,known to be 25 for legal reasons.
Am a Taurean from the 1997 batch of babies.
Born 27/04/1997 @ 0524hrs almost into a toilet bowl.
Thank God, brought 2 life in Toa Payoh Hospital.
Love making friends, but have juz a few close ones.
Am an out of the closet gay guy .
Looking around and still single.
ORDed on 26/06/2004.
As for now, am a Customer Service Officer for FarEastFlora.com.
Top it all up, am too a student in SHATEC.
Realli got too many hobbies 2 name.

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Cheng San Kindergarten School
1988 - 1989

Da Qiao Primary School (P1-2, 2-2, 3-2, 4-3, 5-3, 6-2)
1990 - 1995

Ang Mo Kio Secondary School (Sec 1/3, 2/3, 3/3, 4/3)
1996 - 1999

Nanyang Junior College (OG 23, 1 CT 24, 1 CT 18, 2 CT 18)
2000 - 2001

Tekong BMTC School 2, Orion Coy, Platoon 3, Section 2, Bed 6
27th Dec 2001 - 16th Feb 2002

Ayer Rajar Camp, Ordnance Engineering And Training Institute, Electronics And Weapons Training Wing, Small Arms BTT 5
8 Feb 2002 - 4th May 2002

Nee Soon Driclad Centre, 6 Direct Support Maintenance Base, Armament Coy, Small Arms Platoon
6th May 2002 - 26th Jun 2004

Tristellar Enterprise, Sales & Logistics Coordinator AKA Account Manager
7th Jul 2004 - 5th Sep 2006

FarEastFlora.com Pte Ltd, Customer Service Officer
19th Sep 2006 -

SHATEC, Hotel Management, DHM408B
07th Apr 2008 -

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Sunday, February 29, 2004

No One Understands Me 
Apparently, tt's a serious sweeping statement. But yes, I'm referring 2 everyone in my life. Tt's the veri sad part of life. No one does understand me. 2dae went out with Vijay & Jon. Thot tt should @ least help me relax a bit. Nope! Dun think so. Now I'm feeling so much worse. Till the pt of even losing my appetite. Sigh!

Why am I feeling like tt? Why? Do I realli project myself so badly 2 the ppl ard me? Do I? Can somebody answer me? Talk! Speak! Reply! Dun u all always keep silent! So many yrs of silence. Are u all sick of it? Do u all still want 2 carry on like this? Tell me wat am I doing wrong? Everyone is having wrong ideas of me. Why?

One: Friends in camp. U all think I am this guy with 14K hong bao every yr n controls the world with his wealth. Money dun mean true happiness. Money can't buy everything in the world. I noe u all have heard it is a thousand times. It is fact! I'm not rich. I have my limits. I can't spend money like tt. The more wealth u have, the more commitments u possess. There is so much more things n prob than meets the eye. U all also think I'm a guy with "male menopause". 1 day with super happy mood, while the other with a 360��� change. Can't change tt as I am realli filled with lots of prob. 2 make it more depressing, all will flee like flies. Can't say much a this. But this is a fact of life.

Two: Colleagues in army. U all juz think I am this working machine who is capable of doing everything. Like I said b4. I'm a 486 computer performing a multi-tasked job. Opening a winamp, an Imesh, 6 windows explorer, 1 ICQ, 10 internet explorers n still able 2 run as fast as a pentium 4 pc. Do they realli think I am God? I am juz a person who bothers 2 put in some effort into the things I do. Everyone can do wat I do, juz whether they want 2 or not. I am juz like an overfilled helium balloon which ppl have the concept tt the more u pump, the higher n faster I'll fly. In the end, I'll juz blow. Tt's all!

Three: Friends ard me not in camp. U all juz think I'm a guy super clever, super successful in everything I do. Sure entry into university. A Mr. Know-it-all. A person excels in everything. Hey! Open ur eyes! Have u all been sitting ard n eating popcorns? Movie is over! Time 4 reality check.

Four: My family n relatives U all used 2 think I work 2 hard. So u all keep asking me 2 relax. Now, u all think I enjoy 2 much. I enjoy? I have not change! I am still working n working even more furiously. I am juggling with more things now than mere juz books. I have a broken family 2 move on with. I have a job whom everyone on it thinks I am superman. I have friends whom I am trying so hard 2 maintain close relations with. I have another job with all the weirdest prob 2 handle. I even have my own personal worries. The list juz goes on n on. But all u all do is nag n scold everyday. U all juz keep thinking I dun care about anything n have no prob. The fact is direct opp! I care about EVERYTHING n have SO MANY PROB! I juz have so little time n energy. I dun have tt many answers. Stop forcing me 4 them!

Five: Close friends. U all juz think I am this super happening guy who have a bloody fat account. U all think I am this guy who leads a triad n almost absolute say with those ard me. I DUN! I juz have 2 follow 2 watever the situation ard me require me 2 do. U all think I am this super kind guy who cares 4 everybody n suffers himself in the end. I am not! I am not so saintly! I juz want attention from u all! I hope tt by wat I do, @ least there will b a place in ur heart 4 a friend like this 4 me. I want a little care n concern n not juz a hello during weekdays n hang out on weekends. Do u noe it sucks so bad 2 not hear from u all juz 4 a moment? Say I muz look overboard n selfish. Yes! I am! But it is human nature. Juz I dun want show it so obviously.

Six. Ppl @ work. U all think I'm this "God-given 2 them boss". U all will come 2 me with every cock matter, but I dun mind so much. But have u all stop n think of the cause? Are u all in fault too? When I am in trouble, all they think is 2 fight n beat up all tt is @ threat 2 me. This is not wat I want! I juz want them 2 stay out of trouble n not use violence 4 everything. Do u all noe tt there's more prob cause than solved? Juz look @ now? How am I supposed 2 cover this now?

U all have no clue wat am I going thru. U all have no idea wat pains I face. Wat do u all want of me? U all juz bomb. U all juz shoot. U all juz place me in this place of solitude where I can't express myself. I muz b the "Army Matthew". I muz b the "Family Matthew". I can't. I can't n I can't! I can't breathe. I can't move. I feel terrible. I juz can't express myself in words. The tears I shed every nite r juz the mere shadow of the sadness in me. In the day, they r force by u all not 2 flow out. It is not tt I dun want 2 say out my prob. But are u all receptive 2 them? Will u all understand me? Dun say tt I dun try saying out. But how do I start n not give u all the wrong impression? Some things can never b said but it is human nature 2 want 2 noe. N I juz feel it is like a wall of barrier threatening the bond. Wat should I do?

Maybe I am not good as a friend. Neither am I good as a colleague. Dun need 2 even say as a good family member. So wat am I good @? Wat? Nothing? Thanks a lot! Anyway u all dunno who am I. I am juz a puppet control by all of u. Reforming n changing 2 the image of wat u all want me 2 b. So sad 2 noe I have live so long n achieve nothing real in life. U all have realli done anything but make me more than a bigger failure than I am. Maybe tt's juz sth I deserve. Thanks a lot! Keep up the effort! Life is nothing but a joke now. Want me 2 laugh? Hahaha! Happy! Let me be. I'm ur puppet.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/29/2004 09:30:00 PM

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Saturday, February 28, 2004

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! 
Apparently so many daes no write. Left out a few details. So here is 2 cover up my tracks.

One, Thursday was my CO Parade. Terrible nervous! Was supposed 2 receive my Best Soldier Award For Nov during this parade. The order of receive was 2 march up 2 my CO, salute him, receive the award, shake his hand, salute again n march off. Guess my nerves got over me. Ok, my order was march, salute, receive shake n march off. Wat did I miss? YEP! I 4got 2 salute him!!! Die! Thank God no one notice it. Else it will b the 1st time in history the best soldier get an award n directly signs 21 extra duties after it. Hahaha!

Big-Splashing
Big Splashing
(clockwise from left):- Me, Jon, Lionel, Darren, Kevin, Wan Poo, Xingda, Vijay, Weixiong


Two, yesterday's Big Splash event. Dunno wat got over me. Am actually quite camera shy. Apparently, I will run away the 1st thing I c a camera. But took a few shots during yesterday's celebration. All thanks 2 Xingda n his Digicam. He has not send me yet. So unable 2 post them up. Onli manage 2 grab my hands on 1. Was a great shot. However, still dun realli like 2 look @ myself. Think I spoil the pict. Sigh! Nvm, enjoy everything else.

Ok, guess I cover more or less everything. Good nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/28/2004 09:42:00 PM

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Another Week Going By 
This muz b 1 of the longest period of no-blog entry. Been pretty out of mood lately. Also due 2 the busy schedule, been home veri little lately. 2dae, is my long weekend, so manage 2 grab some time 4 myself. Actually, onli till now. Friend came visiting this morning, so once again, couldn't go online. Prob also a good thing in the sense able 2 save up on internet time. Enough 4 an uneventful 2dae, will start on Wednesday.

Wednesday was dreadful. Weapon intake 4 then was pretty high. Like on Tuesday, the seniors were all gone again. Let's juz say the last straw is drawn when another officer indirectly questioned me on thw whereabout of the rest of my section. Reported it 2 MSG Sivan 4 him 2 deal with the problem. Apparently, 2 of them were scolded. Wild boar & Elvin . The latter is still on talking terms, juz maybe holding sth in the heart, I dunno. Wild boar, juz 4get it.

I mean I dun say I'm totally correct, but are they correct themselves? I gave them every chance in the world 2 come back, they juz threw it back in my face. Can't expect me 2 keep covering up 4 them n they dun even appreciate it. Ahh!!! 4get bout it. Let's juz move on n c where it will lead 2.

Wednesday nite went down 2 Victoria Concert Hall with Jon, Kevin & Weixiong 4 Vijay's performance. C'est La Vie was the performance put up by the students of Commonwealth Sec Sch. Apparently, Vijay was involved as he was a member of the alumuni. Muz say the 1st half chorale singing was a big disappointment esp the male chorale. The 2nd half's musical where it involved Vijay was more memorable. The story was good where he played the role of a director, bringing a big group of graduating students 2 perform "The Wizard of Oz". Prob lies in a problematic tin man where commitment definitely wasn't part of his character. Esp enjoyed 1 song called Muddy Waters where I muz say, dance chereography was great. Anyway, left 4 home not after a short chat in the premises of a closing Raffles City.

Thursday went smoothly. Not much 2 add. Juz went down 2 Jon's aunt's place in Bedok @ nite 2 stay over. Apparently, the place was initially bought by her 2 live. Now she lives with Jon, so guess the place is left vacant. Dun say it was totally enjoyable as sleeping out of one's bed is sure not in my want list. @ least with the coy of my friends, Joel n Kevin, not mention Jon (duh! of course! it is his aunt's house.), guess all balance out. Played cards till late in the nite thus the next dae was pretty bombed by fatigue. Anyway, 4got 2 mention y we were there. Apparently, tt place was much nearer 2 East Coast Park then from my house. Had 2 reach there early next morning. So guess it explains all.

Yep! Next morning was down 2 ECP pretty early. Supposed 2 have a morning of Soccer n Capt's Ball. Dun realli feel much into the games. So smoke out the team n became part of the spectators. Anyway, my team leader onli interacted with his coy members. So felt totally out of place. 4get it, the morn sucks anyway. Left there @ noon with Darren, Jon, Kevin, Shaun, Vijay, Weixiong 4 lunch @ Bedok Centre. Later went back 2 the house 2 wash up. Left bout 2+ 4 a karaoke session @ Chai Chee Community Centre. Boy! Kevin realli sang his heart out.

Anyway, went back down 2 ECP again in the evening. This time, the venue was Big Splash. Am 2 have an anniversary dinner @ there. Say I ate pretty full I guess due 2 my table having 2 person short. The event was quite okay I can say. Though I felt sandals might have been a more suitable choice. Apparently, onli shoes were allowed. Dun understand it.

Went out with the same grp of pals including Lionel, Tong Cai n 2LT Chin 4 a movie @ Cineleisure. Dun realli noe y there was a change in plans as I was on the phone. They decided 2 have supper instead @ the Metro Paragon's Coffee Club Express instead. Definitely did not enjoy the session. Muz b the presence of 2LT Chin. His words even after work is all filled with arrows. Not realli looking 4ward 2 Monday. Went home @ 1am, sharing a cab with Jon.

So now it is back 2 2dae. Guess I did finish all the recap. These few daes realli had the coy of many of my camp mates esp Jon. Juz have this feeling of like a lack of a sort of chemistry. Dun noe how 2 express it. Maybe I am a little over-sensitive, or juz everyone's a little tired after so many events. Juz hope next week will b better. Blog getting a bit too lengthy, shall end here. Good dae!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/28/2004 05:36:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

 Total Letdown 
Can't help but feel super let down by the specialists in my section 2dae. Despite the workload in the section 2dae, they were totally unconcerned by it. All they did was throw the work 2 the jr batch n enjoy the party n air con in the RnI.

It is not tt their skills are excellent till there is no need 2 learn. Realise there is still so much more room 4 improvement after the sharing section by SSG Sharon 2dae. Feel so inferior 2 her after she taught so much on GPMG repair within an hour. Think the seniors realli miss this precious opportunity. Wouldn't b surprise if our jrs b so much more superior in repairs in future. Our present dae skill in repair have indeed dropped 2 an ever-low standard.

Anyway, nor was not tt they were unaware of the weapons, but chose 2 enjoy themselves with their LONG-DEC ORD mood. Juz feel totally played out by them. When it comes 2 suffering, all will juz run away n take shelter. Like every man 4 himself. When there is sth of benefit, they will crowd ard like best of family n snatch the prize 4 themselves. I am speaking of performance off. I mean, do they deserve such performance off when they do nothing on their part?

Juz feel so like reporting this 2 the higher authorities. @ least they get wat they deserve. But it will onli cause more disunity within the section than it is now. And 4 sure I can say, they will b more rebellious n the current situation might even become worse.

If I dun, then it will b so unfair 2 my jrs who work so hard juz 2 earn their performance off, get a little recognition. I do believe many would have wanted 2 do so if not 4 some of the specialists who do contribute a little from time 2 time. But should they do it, there will once again b discord among the seniors n jrs.

Trying so hard 2 b the bridge within my section 2 encourage the seniors of my section 2 help out with the jrs. Apparently, juz feel this effort if juz futile. Wat should I do now? It is a tight situation n indeed a tough prob. I dun mind getting condemn or scolded, but with my move 2 complain, there is bound 2 b discord. Is there realli a solution 2 bring in the seniors 2 help out the jrs or b regardless of the discord n bring it 2 higher management?

p.s. Juz so feel like suggesting it 2 my boss 2 force the specialist 2 work n let the jrs rest 4 a week. Wonder would tt work? Jon, pls tell me wat was on ur mind 2dae tt will help the situation. Pls, the section welfare tops any personal welfare. Speak ur mind k?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/24/2004 10:53:00 PM

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Monday, February 23, 2004

Blasting Weather 
Apparently 2dae's weather is blistering hot. Can't help but affect everyone's mood. Even now still feeling the aftermath. So going 2 make this entry short.

Yep! Veri boring. Early morning had a WITs sort of get together with Seow Ping Jie. Did not put in much participation. Not tt I dun want 2, juz the weather. Sigh! Feel she is trying so hard 2 get us 2gether, but we still show her this type of attitude. Veri sorry!

The dae juz went by like tt. Sort of a waste of time, a waste of my youth. Nvm, juz hope tomo will b fine.

Anyway, went out with Tai in the evening 2 Toa Payoh 2 get a HP. Realli dunno wat 2 say now. Nvm, wait till my mood is back then I elaborate tomo. 4 now, I check out. Haha! Sth I learn 2dae. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/23/2004 11:38:00 PM

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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Blistering Handphone 
Am typing this blog while having my dinner. Apparently need have 2 do this as I need 2 rush off sew my bro's coverall. Dun understand why this Jon keep running out of coveralls 2 wear. He is like using his coverall 4 wat? Mop the wkshp floor? Dun understand! Haha!

Nvm, tt's beside the pt. Juz b choppy in this entry. Anyway, yep! This sickening hp is driving me crazy. I have not even use it 4 1 dae n it is alreadi on my nerves! Thank God I did not buy this model. Actually, it did not even cross my mind a millisecond. Hahaha! But tt's beside the pt. The pt is tt now I am using this BLASTING HP!!! Can't vibrate. It rings like a girl. So bloody user-unfriendly. Shitty HP!!! Oh yah! Scold so long still not say wat model. Siemens ???. Actually I myself do not even noe the model. Borrow it from my sister. No wonder they were giving it away free on Channel U's variety show. Shit phone.

Nope! Not scolding my sister. She has been kind enough 2 lend me this. Veri grateful with her. Thanks sis!!! Brings me 2 the next pt where I die also muz get a new hp tomo. Sigh! Ok, dinner done. Blog shall end here. Woah! Record time! Juz 5mins! Hahaha! Goodbye readers! Nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/22/2004 09:00:00 PM

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Saturday, February 21, 2004

Mob Manning Craze 
Apparently 2dae is rumor 2 b the activation of my mob manning. Shouldn't have trusted any of these silly rumors. wasted my morning @ home. Anyway, got tired of this waiting game then went out with my grp of close buddies.

Met up with them @ City Hall as usual and caught the show which, MAN!!!, been waiting 4 so long. Actually, not tt long. Something's Gotta Give. Nice show, though I wish 2 complain tt they showed so little scenes of my Keanu. I noe he is juz the supporting actor, but still he still deserve a little more. Sigh! Nevertheless, I still enjoyed every bit of it.



Also invested in another CD 2dae. The Battle For Everything by Five For Fighting. The songs are definitely refreshing. Brings me away from the pop tunes. Slightly different from the recent release grp of songs in the charts I muz say. It has the sort of country folk n alternative tune. Something like Midge Ure. Am listening 2 it now. Glad I bought it. But pray dun get sick of it too soon. Anyway, it is worth it with quite a no of heardable songs. Not 2 mention the alreadi popular, Something About U & 100yrs. Angels & Girlfriends, Maybe I etc. do sound pretty catchy.

Now, am thinkin of wat I am goin 2 invest next. I mean, wat CD. Juggling among Sarah McLachlan & Beyonce. Let's juz wait n c. Prob till when I am reimbursed again. 4 now, my HP is the priority. Hehe! Ok, dun wanna flood my blog 2 much. End here. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/21/2004 11:08:00 PM

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Deep In Thought 
Did not have time 2 update last nite. Was out onli till this morn 1+. Nvm, bout tt.

Am greatly influenced by 1 of my coy guys. Namely, Joel. I spend so much time thinkin tt I as a senior should guide myself juniors. Am so surprised after the meet up, realised they were guidin me instead. Also am realli amazed 2 find so many characters co-exisitin juz in 1 small coy. Can't help but feelin so alone, so lost, but due 2 these diff, we bond 2 each other 4 comfort n support.

Apparently, last nite's experience 2 me is a great eye-opener 2 the world 2 me. Be it juzin a simple closed-food court @ Park Mall with drinks from 7-11 n 4 friends sittin down 4 a simple chat, we could actually reveal juz the tip of a vast knowledge of human emotions n character. There is so much more 2 learn, so much more 2 analyze n dig. The knowledge is definitely enriching, but 2 me, it is pretty freaky.

Juz put in simple terms, some ppl think of things as simple individual events with simple solution. Some prefer 2 make 1 simple event branched out into various other events, thinkin of various scenarios n solutions. The 1st follows with the heart, while the latter thinks with the brain. Personally, I am the latter which is tryin 2 move 2 the 1st. Makes me realise the contradictin characters of both I am facing. Prob this will explain the indecisiveness of my character.

To make things worse, I am a guy who also worries on these probs branching them further n further, not knowin 2 follow the heart or the brain. Explainin the mess I am in 2dae. I mean, this is so simple in words. However in thot, it is so complex. Felt wat Joel had said last nite, spoke of some of my character which I'm unable 2 express 2 myself. Kind of glad 2 understand some part of me. But as I said, it is also freaky.

In the sense, if I keep branchin out so far, where is the end? Wat is the product? My basic intention is so pure. As it moves along the way, everything influences the thinkin n branchin. Would the conclusion b sth corrupted or even worse, pure evil? Is my walk in life supposed 2 end this way? How 2 prevent it when I do not noe it myself?

Apparently, I juz worry too much. I dunno. A human's character is so complex n illogical tt is not sth so easily comprehend. Lastly, went home with Jon by cab, not b4 walkin Weixiong 2 the bus stop. Last nite's experience juz leave me with more question rather than with answers. The crave 4 this knowledge is now release within me. But guess life still muz move on even so. Shall end here by postin one of the most remembered question posted yesterdae's talk.

1. I feel happy 2 go there coz I noe there is sth there tt will make me feel happy.

2. I noe sth there tt will make me happy so I want 2 go there.

Which is u?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/21/2004 11:06:00 AM

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Thursday, February 19, 2004

 Now Pissed 
When I ask 4 post in my shoutbox, I do not mean postin porno links! The next person who does tt shall permanently b crashed by me!!!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/19/2004 08:14:00 PM

~Fans Chat!~


"See-ing" Another 
Guys!!! Wat's wrong with u all??? Are u so sick of woman tt u all muz fall 4 guys!?!?! PLZ GET A LIFE!!!

Apparently, met another regular 2dae, 2SG Tay, who is on attachment 2 my unit. Same pattern like See, juz tt he is able 2 work. Guess wat he said? "Matthew, U vErI cUtE! i LiKe U!" YUCKS!!! Com'on! U dun say tt 2 a guy!

Dun understand is it sth with me or those ard me? Plz!!! I need A LOT OF ENLIGHTENMENT!!! Do I realli look tt GAY!?!?!

4get about tt 4 the while. 2dae is the opening of Something's Gotta Give. Haha! Starring in it is my greatest idol! KEANU CHARLES REEVES!!! Man! Been quite a while since I last saw him on screens. Hope tt this production of his will b great. Decide 2 post a movie poster of this show. Hope 2 catch this show this weekend. Dunno if my niu lang is free. Hey! Anyone wanna catch this show with me??? Sigh! Guess no one wants 2 catch it with a guy-magnet". Nvm, gd nite!


# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/19/2004 07:31:00 PM

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

 Still Troubling 
Apparently, wkload like yesterdae has been light. Brought out the AS Weapons 2 work on. Manage 2 finish 2 GPMGs 2dae. Muz say quite an accomplishment. Juz hope it was not all 4 nothing. Anyway, was quite happy 2 work on it with the group of pals I like.

Oh yah, prob. Am still thinkin of this performance off thingy since yesterdae. Noe no matter wat I do will not affect much on the decision of my management. And also, no matter wat the change, it will not affect me much as my service is about 2 end in Jun. However, can't help 2 feel sad 4 my fellow friends esp my bro who are goin 2 stay on till mid next yr. Been wreckin my brain on how 2 path the way 4 a better stay 4 them. Dunno wat 2 do. Apparently, I'm juz a 3SG n an NSF. Dun realli have much say. Also, haven't did much 4 any of my juniors. Feel sort of guilty in the sense. But tt aside, this off thingy is on the hot but fragile prob @ the moment. How should I handle this prob since @ least I have still 1% of say in it?

2nd prob on mind. Juz about wat MSG Sivan said 2dae. Apparently it lies in the appt holders in my section. @ present, my IC is MSG Sivan himself. 2IC is Seow Ping Jie. 3IC in name is See, where in actual, Elvin n I are holdin the appt. Not 2 break the confident clause, the upcoming IC when I leave might be few candidates. Will not name who as it might still change on circumstances. Wild Boar, Giant or my bro, Jon. Nothing is fixed. Of course I noe who is up now, but wait n c.

Anyway, the prob is tt my 2IC is leavin 4 her technician upgrading course soon. Automatically, See should take the next placing in the hierarchy. Noe tt it is not possible as my IC dun realli trust him in section management. Thot he juz wanted 2 push him 2 proj juz 2 keep him in his area of interest. Nvr knew his main intention was 2 push him into permanent proj grp with the coy. Am surprised! So now, next in the line of fire is Elvin n me. Elvin can say is more in an ORD mood. Am gettin worried I might get push 2 handle this responsiblilty. Sigh!

Apparently, it may sound cool. I am thinkin otherwise. Alreadi as an bckgrd-actin 3IC, I am alreadi feelin the stress. Dun realli think I can handle this kind of responsibility yet. I mean in the sense, there are definitely a lot of sacrifices I muz make. Not 2 speak of the huge load of missiles since I'll b the lowest rankin n status of all the ICs n 2ICs. Am alreadi gettin worried on wat's 2 come. Sigh!

On the whole, I muz learn 2 b impartial. Me??? Impartial??? Apparently not! I like 2 dote on those I can click with, so wat's with impartial??? Sigh! Hey! Wat am I supposed 2 do?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/18/2004 08:54:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

So Many Problems 
Actually, quite bombed up these few daes till dun feel ly updatin anythg online. Or should I say, no time too. Sleep is juz so precious. Juz 2 do slight recap.

Mon, did my CDO duty with Jon. Apparently, sorted out things with him yesterday (Sunday) online. Let's juz say, it was me lah! My petty character! Dun wanna talk bout it. Bygones! Anyway, can't help but feelin this mth has been veri gd. Fancy all my duties are with my brother. Was supposed 2 teach Weixiong, but 4get about it lah! Was also mum's bday. But decided 2 push the celebration 2 Thursday due 2 many unforeseen reasons. Sigh! So juz stayed back with Weixiong, Jon n Vijay, which Vijay was tryin 2 b this superman 2 complete all his wk even after office hrs. Haha! Left camp @ 9+ tt nite but headed 4 dinner @ Yishun Central 1st b4 headin 4 home.

2dae was quite ok. Did some house-managing. Sorted out the spares, rearranged the cupboards etc. Time was well spend I muz say. Juz also have this prob GPMG Coaxial on hand which juz can't seem 2 pass the range test. Yep! Keep firing @ single mode. N yes, it is solved. Also got this big prob on hand which happiness of the wkshp depended quite heavily on. Yep! Our performance off. Apparently, the management now wants 2 do away with it. They are asking the opinions of Giant, Pan-Jie n me. Weird thg is tt they juz call us in the office, drop this big bombshell n wanted n immediate answer. Totally shocked! Anyway, think I tried my best. So let's c where we go from here.

One thg I muz add. Dun understand how CPT Don got the notion tt Jon n me have the same mannerism. (Hope I spell it rite, though dun realli understand the term itself.) Yep! Watever tt is, he is thinkin we are a pair!?!?! DUH!!! One See Kwok Siong is alreadi a pain in the ass, now another rumor. Not sayin Jon is worse, he is DEFINITELY GOD NOES HOW MANY TIMES BETTER!!! But I am straight, get it? Plz Don, get tt in ur head. THANK YOU! As much as I want 2 be close 2 him, no one even wants 2 b tt close. Haha! Hope this rumor dun get out of hand. Though I feel I sort of landed my brother into future mess. Think he is goin 2 walk my path soon. N I've no idea how 2 save him. "Somebody save me." should be now, "Somebody save HIM." Haha! Lame joke!

Ok, watever happen, time will still go on. Life too. So juz walk 1 step @ a time n c. 4 now, signin off 4 bed. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/17/2004 09:38:00 PM

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Sunday, February 15, 2004

Fallen 
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I've lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

This is the closest I can get 2 wat I'm feelin now. On one hand I'm typin this blog, on the other, I'm tryin solve another prob. But I juz dunno how. Still am bombed by so many. I am still running if anyone dunno.

I dun want 2 affect the ppl around me. I dun want ppl 2 worry 4 me. I juz want my life, my work, my friends b separated from my probs, is there realli such a solution? Apparently, it is not working. Feel this time I have realli screw things up, big time! Can I run away again? I'm sorry but I am not in blogging mood now. End here.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/15/2004 02:01:00 PM

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How Do I Begin? 
Apparently, all I can say is tt I did not have a gd dae. Not a gd start. Help Weixiong with his COS duty. Slack around in camp aimlessly on a Valentine's Day. Facing the ppl I so not wanting 2 see. Feel quite depress.

Speaking of depress, went out with Weixiong 4 show (did not go), 4 dinner (had onli a small bite @ Delifrance) and aimless walking (got a pretty pathetic gift 4 Tong Cai's bdae on Mon). Yep! The whole street was bombed with couples n more couples. Can't help but feeling utterly useless in many areas of life except work. I mean, being a NSF, slash do-it-all family man, slash being-the-best friend is just one slash way too many. Sth juz gotta give. Feel so like giving up in work. Speaking 2 MSG Sivan on Monday 2 c if can reject tt award thingy. If things dun turn out well, prob I might give up on friends.

Well, I realli dun feel like I have the choice. I mean I've been stretch pretty thin by so many things around me lately and I think many ppl can feel the strain. Prob as wat Weixiong said is true, been swinging on my moods lately. But with everything I am goin thru, the last thing I am expectin prob from is friendship. (I am a guy with little friends, so obviously should b less prob) So even the smallest thing is a prob, I think I've supported my pt of view. Nvm, still got the weekends 2 think it thru. (Though I'm juz left with 2dae.) Pretty afraid 2 go back tomo. Why? I think it is an under-statement.

Shall end here by posing 1 question. Friends or work?

p.s. Sth I got in the mail 2dae. 2 whoever out there who created this, u definitely spoke my heart!

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend makes it a point to give and take.
A real friend gives and wants nothing in return.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/15/2004 12:20:00 AM

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Friday, February 13, 2004

 Downslide 
Sth 2 say
1. I HAD a great dae of duty.
2. I AM havin a bad dae.
3. I WILL HAVE worse daes 2 come.

Sth 2 ask
1. Am I askin a lot in a friendship?
2. Am I overtrustin ppl?
3. Am I easily manipulated?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/13/2004 07:06:00 PM

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Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Am Sick Or Not? 
Came 2 camp 2 work despite was feeling a little feverish. Could not take panadol as the medicine I took 4 my sinus prob had a high dosage of paracetomol too. Dun wanna get overdose n die like Marilyn Monroe. Hahaha! Apparently, my sinus was more serious, so decided 2 take the latter.

Was feeling quite bad during the start of the dae, but guess working did the job by surpressing it a little. The worse was after working, u start 2 rest, the fever juz start taking full effect. Glad I pass the dae. Hope able 2 get well by tomo as I need 2 perform my guard duty.

Took time off 2dae again. Had 2 settle the 2nd part of y concession card prob @ Yishun Interchange. Thanks MSG Sivan 4 the lift anyway. Went around Northpoint 4 window shopping after tt, as I was meeting some camp pals 4 dinner. (Apparently, @ tt moment, I wasn't sure who I was meeting also; Owww! The irony!!!) Bought my big sister's CD, Sammi Cheng @ Sembawang Records. Listening 2 it now while typing this blog. Dun think I am regretting it. Felt her music has drop quite a lot recently, but no matter wat, I will still support her. Not tt I will buy her CDs, juz the good ones.

Went over 2 Khatib after tt 2 purchase some fishes. Was intro 2 this place by MSG Sivan. Got 100 Neon Tetras 4 a cheap price of $12. Veri happy! Felt it was still super early, so stop by a nearby McDonald's & gave myself a treat.

Later met up with Chin Leng, Elvin & Jon 4 dinner @ AMK Centre 4 dinner. Tt was the 2nd round of my feast. Was awaiting 4 the 3rd round when I get home. Hahaha! Still dun understand y I am still so bloody thin!?!?!

Spend really quite a lot in juz a matter of 3 hours. In addition, gotta pay another $10 4 the entrance fee 2 Vijay's concert. Juz I am able 2 make it on the 25th. Realize I am a real big spendthrift. Think I got 2 restraint myself a little now. But!!! After tomo. Why??? Going 2 order outside meal tomo. Army food juz can't make it. Hahaha! Alright, shall end short here 2nite. Ok, it is not tt short. 4get it! Nite!!!

p.s. Almost 4got 2 add. Am realli feeling a total failure 2dae. Totally devasted by my SAT score. Not tt I was not prepared 4 gettin a low score, juz compared 2 Jiahao, felt so stupid! Got an improvement of 10pts onli. Score 1190 while Jiahao got a 1330. Thank God I muz still say 4 not getting lower. But am feeling super lousy still! Hope 2 get over it soon.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/11/2004 09:28:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004

BMT Recollections 
Work is less 2dae. Or should I say, I'm @ my lowest now. Prob got sth 2 do with my health. Been feeling feverish, flu-ish thingy since this week. Took off 2dae partly 2 get some rest from last nite late-nite stay-out. Mainly, 2 handle a few important matters which I have been placing in the cold room 4 quite a while.

Send my Samsung T200 down 2 Wheelock Place 4 repair, onli 2 find out the service centre is not in existence anymore. Brought it down 2 the 2nd place where Jon told me @ Plaza Singapura. However, truth enough, there was a shop, a Samsung branch. They do not do repairs. Ended up went all the way back up 2 Centrepoint where the service centre now resides. Muz realli admit this lady, or should I say young lady realli veri pretty. Hahaha! Name, Elsie. Talk quite long 4 about an hour. About the HP which I muz admit it was the 1st time they encounter such a prob. They don't even noe how 2 write the technical report. Also talk about on how lousy her computer was; keep crashing on her. Talk on her work, my work etc. Think we left each other with pretty good impressions. Hahaha! 2 bad did not ask her no. Sigh!

Went up 2 Yishun Terminal after tt 2 replace my faulty bus pass; it gave up on me again. This time I wasn't so lucky 2 get it on the spot. Able 2 collect it tomo noon. Wonder how am I going 2 do it. Was suppose 2 meet my sister after tt, but decide 2 cancel it after feeling quite sick.

On the way home, was pretty surprised 2 receive a call from my present COPA, Perry. Commanding Officer Personal Assistant. Is my BMT platoon mate. Went thru much sweat n shit with him, literally. He was my Toilet IC, while I'm his Toilet 2IC. Also took over his position of Platoon IC in the 2nd last week of BMT. Chatting with him 4 a while spurred many memories I had in BMT. Since I'm going ORD soon, so juz do some recollections.

Enlisted on 27th Dec 2001, the 1st time Tekong was hit with a typhoon. Got 2 say I am a veri lucky batch. Remember we muz wear this red ku-ku cap 2 identify ourselves from the other civilians. On the whole, had 2 carry our civilian bag, a duffel bag, a field pack n an orientation bag. So much things on hand n the bloody wind keep blowing off our caps. Feeling of enlistment was alreadi bad enough. The weather was also against us. Add on the stress, CPC, Central Positioning Center, muz cock up our company posting. I was originally from Ninja Coy, ended was transferred 2 Orion Coy. Remember tt dae was a terrible dae 4 all. Half of Tekong suffered a blackout. More than half of Tekong's buildings were leaking water. Hahaha!

The dae I received my M16 was pretty vague. Juz remembered the simple parade was held in the open of a veri nice sunset backdrop. Wat realli hit me was the usage of my weapon. We muz treat it like our wives. Juz understand y my wife could nvr remain clean. No matter how I clean n clean, she always nvr fail 2 produce carbon. Remember on 1 occasion @ my coy line cleaning my weapon, I lost my retaining pin (a small pin about half the size of a hairpin). I was bloody frantic. Loss of a weapon part would mean endless punishment n being condemned by everyone. Search the whole surroundings 4 it with the help of a few section mates. Tension realli built up as the time 2 send arms was closing in. muz realli thank Gary who found it in the end. Thank God 4 him!!! Say the truth, I don't even bother losing it now. Why? I GOT SO MANY OF THESE PINS IN MY WORKSHOP NOW!!! But anyway, it was realli a lesson 2 remember.

Range was also a great memory 4 me. My sergeants were like beast. 4 every small mistake, they would use vulgarities. They even go 2 the extent of whacking the magazines on our helmets. Once again, weather wasn't on our side. Imagine being in a foxhole, half-filled with rainwater n still muz concentrate on the target. How? U are totally wet bottom half down, u are shivering from the cold n ur glasses are fogging up. It is one of the worse scenarios I ever went thru. So much 4 cold, I felt the heat too when an empty cartridge fired from my partner's weapon entered my uniform. Scalded my chest with this (I muz say it's a realli cool scar) bullet mark. Hahaha!

Field camp was also not bad with the section movement lesson. We were given 2 mags of blanks n role-play a real-life war. Went around the forest hunting our other sections of the same coy. Had a great time. My sergeant almost killed my pal, Kum Hong along with me with his thunderflash. This is a simulated grenade, but produce a bloody loud explosion n near contact definitely cause injury. It all happened when we engaged our enemy. He flunked the thunderflash towards the other section, not knowing his aiming was so good, it hit a branch directly above us where we were proning. All my friend n I heard was a loud thud beside us n we were up on our heels, running away. The situation was so funny tt both sections were laughing on the ground.

Also learn how 2 play in the pool. Mainly, our PTI (Physical Training Instructor) felt none of us were in the mood of learning swimming, so decided 2 save the effort n play with us in the water. Explains why I am still unable 2 swim. Hahaha!

Had my 1st & last Medical Appointment in army while in BMT. Went 2 CMPB 4 eye checkup as they suspected I was suffering from Retina Thinning. Ended up, they got the appointment dates mixed up n ended the checkup within an hour. Had a lot of buffer time left n so, ask my niu lang out 4 dinner. Booked back in with pockets filled with chocolate. Thank goodness there was no spot-check on me. Else I'll b dead.

Fell terribly ill during the course with cough. Suspected was sth 2 do with the water. On the last 3rd week, went down with fever n still pressed on with training after my sergeant told me being on MC will put me out of course. Had a terrible time. When I recovered from fever, I got infected with sore throat. It was so bad till I lost all my voice. I wasn't even able 2 talk with my mum over the phone w/o my buddy's help. Felt so helpless n lost tt I almost cried when I heard my mum's voice. She was so worried tt she suspected I was mistreated. She keeps asking my buddy 2 tell her the truth why I was I not able 2 talk 2 her over the phone. I was literally playing charades in tears. Add on the stress again, I was appointed platoon IC which I muz admit was pretty lame since I could not even shout any commands. On the whole, I feel I did a good job since the last week was a disaster. Half of my appointment holders were all on Attend-C Status, or wat we call, MC. Had 2 juggle with my job n theirs. Thank God I survived.

The Passing-Out Ceremony was such a letdown 4 me tt I did not remembered much of it. Juz noe we were gathered in the lecture hall, given a speech n we were Privates. B4 we noe it, we were @ the training shed enjoying a small buffet. Soon, we were all out of Tekong.

BMT is definitely 1 period in life where the suffering was so memorable. Looking back, I realli wondered how I went thru all of it. Am glad I gave it my best shot despite I did not get Platoon Best Award. Ok, need go back rest. End here 2nite. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/10/2004 09:33:00 PM

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Monday, February 09, 2004

It's Kinda Boring 
2dae is pretty boring I muz admit. Juz so lazy 2 even move around. Apparently, got into everyone 2dae. So, no one was complaining much about no work being done.

Actually, work is done, juz minimal. But still felt I can do better. Got some thots over 2dae anyway.

Looking from myself 2dae, juz feel I have change so much. Grown up n fitting into the working society. Am pretty glad I've make it this far. So many setbacks, yet still pulling myself through.

During schooling times, all I've 2 worry is study n get good grades, which was pretty stressful then. Now, the focus is diverse. Not onli good performance, one muz also care so much in other aspects of life. Maintaining one's charater, handle other's prob etc. The prob are definitely holding much weightage compared 2 our kiddy prob.

In school, who cares about image so much? U can even go 2 school w/o bathing n still b equally popular n accepted. Now, if u dress weird, good luck 2 u. Not onli u get ostracize, u get thousand n one rumors behind ur back.

Speaking of which, there is no such things as politics during then. If u are not happy with someone, u go up 2 tt person n say it straight in the face, "I dun want 2 friend u." And walk away. Now, anti-fan club are formed against anyone not fitted into the society. Juz shows how ugly man are. Juz have a feeling sth is definitely goin behind my back. Dunno wat 2 do. It's pple's mouths after all. Can't do much anyway. Juz hope it is not too ugly.

Muz realli say I've grown up too 2 b this type of ugly person, 2 survive in this society. The veri thing I hate 2 b, is the veri thing I am now. Can't help but hate myself. Not due 2 low self-esteem, but it is the fact. Is this wat everyone muz go thru juz 2 b accepted in the society? Is this ugly side of man the onli survival skill? So hate myself 4 it.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/09/2004 09:22:00 PM

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Sunday, February 08, 2004

I Almost Died 
2dae shall b a special dae where I will add 2 blog entries in a dae. Let's juz say special edition.

Have u ever felt so touched, so moved tt u juz can't help but crying? Have u ever felt so bad, so sad n someone juz come 2 u n turn it all around? I muz admit, this is the 1st time I felt this 2dae.

His voice was no Ruben or Clay Aiken. Dun even think it is fit 2 b in the qualifying rounds of American Idol. However, it was enough 2 blow me away juz like tt. It came @ the right moment, like being touched by an angel. The lyrics realli meant a thousand words, even though he was not here in person. Despite the dist, he is so near, juz beside me. His shoulders so strong, it could support the whole world.

He sang Celine Dion's I'm Ur Angel. Enjoy!

No mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Thank u!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/08/2004 11:22:00 PM

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It Hurts 2 Even Breathe 
Dun realli understand why life muz go up n down, up n down, up n down. One moment u can b so high up, another moment u realli hit rock bottom, lower than rock bottom, even lower till u hit across the other side of the globe.

Why muz he keep coming back n throw me back into the hole of sadness? Can't he juz leave me in peace? He has already taken away the thing which I treasure most. I am already so poor. Can't he juz be happy with his life n stop wrecking mine? Dun he knows wat is empathy?

He has changed so much till I have no idea who the beast which juz step into my house. Is so hard 2 believe someone so close 2 b so far, so foreign. How do I ever move on? How can I ever continue 2 live on w/o looking back n stop feeling so hurt? Is it possible? Does it mean I muz harden my heart juz 2 get out of it? How do pple ever learn how 2 deal with this type of pain?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/08/2004 01:34:00 PM

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Saturday, February 07, 2004

 Fuego Y Furia De Un Volcan 
Another week has gone by juz like tt. So much has happened. Juz go back 2 yesterdae n see. Completed most of the weapons in our section. Was slightly disappointed with myself as I lost my touch on the GPMG. Could not detect some defects despite myself going thru it b4 out-inspection. Was feeling quite bad. Add on 2 Giant's comments again, make me feel even lousier. This guy has really a death wish. He is like a pit bull with a death threat. Was surprised he even pissed off Fangsheng, (my gor-gor; haha!), who is one person I can say who hardly gets angry. If he should ever step on me again, juz prepare 4 volcanic eruption.

Also exchanged CDO duties with Jia Hao yesterday. Was pretty surprised tt I am really getting into the hang of all this CDO crap. Enjoying every bit of it. Haha! Anyway, was able 2 leave camp quite unexpectedly earlier a bit then the normal duty daes. So decided 2 join Kevin, Jon & Vijay 4 a trip 2 town.

Had a great chat with them over BK & Starbucks. Muz sidetrack a bit. Congratulations, Jon! Finally u are back with Vijay again. Told u 2 trust him! He is still the same Vijay. Dun becoz of small matters let such a great friendship turns sour. So my guess u too is down with one less prob huh? Hehe!

Back again, let off some steam built up during work over the chat. One thing I can't help but noticing is the fame of Vijay. My my! By juz going down the streets, he is like going 4 "Vijay, The World Tour". Everywhere he goes, he is able 2 meet some of his friends. His popularity is like WOAH! And he goes Woah! And I go woah! How 2 have such many friends? Can't believe it! Hahaha!

Anyway, got home bloody late. So had some trouble waking up this morning. Had 2 get up @ 5am juz 2 b @ Sembawang Camp by 0615. Took a cab with Jon & Wee. 2dae is actually the actual event of MSR (Maintenance Support Run). Participated this event b4 in 2002 @ School of Logistics; Seletar Camp. This year is no different, juz less checkpts. Cleared the min amount of checkpts within 30min when the cut-off timing is an hour. No pt pushing hard as I am in the Fun Run Event, non-competitive. The 2nd & 3rd pts were pretty easy n manage clear them with a breeze. The 1st was killer. The dist is not long, juz the terrain is freakingly bloody STEEP!!! We had 2 run 2 the top of a multi-storey carpark. The slopes were like WOAH! Almost gave up I muz admit. However, the return trip was great. Down the slope was almost flying! Did not want 2 waste any effort on the 4th checkpt so, ended like tt.

After the event, headed down 2 Causeway Pt with Vijay, Wee, Jon n Weixiong 4 breakfast @ McDonalds. Yep! Did not have breakfast as it was too bloody early. Am thankful I did not faint halfway thru the run. Hahaha! Ok, @ least this yr's run was not tt bad. Had a quick meal anyway as everyone had appointments in the afternoon. Me, a date with my sleep.

Alright, think I am going 2 end this here 4 2nite. Want 2 d/l some songs. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/07/2004 09:01:00 PM

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Thursday, February 05, 2004

A Big Turn Of Tables 
Was feeling equally bad as yesterday 4 2dae. Apparently my mood seems veri long this time. 2 add on 2 this, felt so bloody insulted by Giant by the remarks he made of me in front of the OJT. Thank his lucky stars, and I mean it he muz realli pray bloody hard n thank them, coz if Seow Ping wasn't around then, I would have throw @ him the spanner n whacked him up.

Mood completely spoilt after tt. Wanna thank my friends 4 being around me during this time 2 help me control my anger 2dae. Namely 1st on the list Kevin, Jon, Fangsheng, Kenny, Wee, Seow Ping Jie. Also wanna extend this thanks 2 SSG "Golden Monkey" Koh, Jeff, Chin Leng, Abel, Rahul, Andrew, BK, Jia Hao, Weixiong n most surprising is, CPT Don. W/O these pple around 2dae, guess all of u will c a volcano eruption in Singapore. But mark my words my limits r coming. Juz one matter from ANYTHING, I will blow up. And when I do, dun stop me, coz I do not noe wat I will do. Tt is not going 2 be me, but the anger, sadness, misery etc stored in me these yrs. Dun try me.

Say a change of tables, there is really a big change of tables. 2dae is the final dae of the Chinese New Yr. Went 2 Marina Mandarin Hotel 4 celebration. As usual I did not enjoy 1 bit. But tt is beside the pt. The pt is, I was talking 2 Jon on ICQ the whole while. He really cleared the many friendship prob in my heart. Felt so veri veri touched tt I cried. It was so obvious till all my relatives saw it. Had 2 tell them dust got into my eyes. Ha! Can't expect me 2 say "I won the close friendship with a friend, rite? 1, they will think I am a sissy. 2, they will think I am gay. 3, there is no 3. So u think I am mad? Anyway, I am realli realli veri glad n moved by his words. Thanks Jon 4 everything. Ok, think the room is getting crowded soon. Am using the PC in my aunt's house 2 update my blog. So shall end here. Nitey!

I HAVE 4 CLOSE FRIENDS!!! NIU LANG!!! PEICI!!! CHAOWEI!!! N LATEST CONFIRM ONE, JONATHAN!!!

p.s. 2dae is the dae 4 me n my niu lang. The dae where niu lang can meet zhi nu. Apparently, we can't due 2 army. Haha! Nevertheless, Happy Yuan Xiao Jie, Niu Lang!!!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/05/2004 11:08:00 PM

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Another Dae Has Gone 
2dae was another pretty rough dae 4 me. On the surface, it may not seem so. Apparently, dun wanna realli show. Figure it out should I fall, pple will talk n question. Also dun want pple 2 worry 4 me. Believe it should b my job 2 take care of others, esp my juniors. Shouldn't b fair if they have 2 handle my prob.

Anyway, juz like any other day, work is present. Juz not so hectic. But I believe the peak period should b on the way. Anyway, was given the task 2 assign one of my sectional guys 2 teach an OJT (On Job Training) as he is gonna b attached overseas. Gave the task 2 Elvin. Felt pretty angry as he played me out in the end by not turning out. I noe he is tired, but if he gave his word 2 turn out @ 10, he should keep it. Ended up, he was late. Was pretty pissed off. I noe I am pretty petty, but can't help feeling tt way.

4get it! Due 2 this anger, got hurt in the process during repair. Finger got crush within the riveting board n GPMG receiver. Am suffering the consequences now. Guess it will b a while b4 my finger gets well.

Also received news tt I'll b running on Sat 4 MSR. Glad I am in the non-competitive category as the distance needed 2 cover is lesser. Juz 6km is enough compared 2 the original 8km 4 the Chain Of Command Event. Juz sad tt I muz get up bloody early 2 meet the meet-up timing. Sigh! Tt's the army! SIGH!!!

Guess from the looks of my blog entry 2dae, things does turn out tt bad. I noe. Juz tt with all tt I am feeling now, juz dun feel ready 2 handle anything now. Feel veri lonely 2dae. Prob I am shutting myself up again. It is now part n parcel of life, the mould of my character. I find it hard 2 change. Know I haven't been the most welcoming. I juz miss, juz miss, 4get it. It's juz so hard 2 imagine opening up 2 someone else. With everything tt happens in my life, love n friendship juz feels like an invitation 4 more pain.

I am scard.

p.s. Juz 2 add sth 2 my blog 2dae. Been thinking since juz now the talk with Jon & Kevin. Find myself so materialistic. So wat if I have so much money? So wat if I can afford so many things in life? It does prove anything. I also dun need 2 prove 2 anyone tt I am rich. Coz in life, I am the poorest. I have lost the greatest wealth n tt is love n friendship. No money can buy tt. Money is nothing 2 me compared 2 these greatest gift. I'm sorry 4 being so blunt, but I think it is a fact in life.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/04/2004 09:40:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I Dunno 
Apparently I really dunno wat 2 put 4 my title 2dae. Feeling veri mixed up. Happy, sad, angry, lost, pain etc. Mainly is bad. Onli joy is finally can put down my doubts of my heart.

Yep! Now it is onli up 2 fate 2 c if HE can get the clue. Tt's if if he is clever enough 2 find out. But not 2 my control. I'll leave it totally 2 fate. HE should noe who is he.

Sad? Apparently from yesterday, still have been feeling the same. Feeling veri lost in life. Sort of empty. Am looking 4 sth 2 fill up the void in my life.

Angry with why all this muz happen 2 me. Angry with him 4 not making a choice. Dun understand why muz I onli accept him halfway. In love, there is no such thing. U gotta pick a side. U cannot have another and still want ur family. Things are now not so black n white. However, u gotta choose and stick 2 it, even if it means losing someone u love. This is life. U can't expect 2 enjoy the fruits of both side n hopes nothing will happen. It is juz not the way.

So hate him 4 leaving me halfway behind. How can he bring me into the world 4 me 2 face in all alone? How can he have the heart 2 do this? So much tears shed. Be it angry or sorrowful tears, I can't still get rid of the pain. I have been hurt so badly so long, so long. I dunno wat 2 feel. How I long 4 someone 2 love, someone 2 hold 2 when in need, someone 2 b there 4 me. No one is there 2 hear my cries. No one 2 cry upon 2 when I am sad. It is like I am standing in the middle of a crowd n shouting @ the top of my voice n no one cares about me. No one bothers me.

I dunno how 2 love or trust again. I have lose the will n I realli dunno if I can find it back. Whenever I find someone there closing on me, I will juz shut all out. I am so afraid, so scare of being hurt again. The feeling of this betrayal is worse than any knives or weapons can inflict. It hurts so bad. It hurts even 2 breathe. And I realli dunno how 2 handle it @ times.

So many times, I cry deep inside. So many times, the tears stayed @ my eyes, holding them back. Why? I need 2 b strong. I cannot falter. I am afraid 2 show the real me. I feel scare everyday, every hour, every min, every sec. When I sleep, when I eat, when I walk 2 work, when I sit on the bus, when I work on a weapon, when I enter camp, when I bathe, when I play, when I smile, when I laugh, when I talk, when I breathe. I am scare even now since the dae it started n I think I am going crazy. I dun dare 2 cry coz I am afraid if I fall, I will never make it up again. I realli dunno wat 2 do.

@ times, death seems so like the solution. But it is too cruel. Dun tell me it is all gonna b alright. I will never b alright. Wat am I suppose 2 feel? Wat am I supposed 2 do?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/03/2004 09:14:00 PM

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Monday, February 02, 2004

S.U.C.K.S 
My life sucks! Got it? It goes like S U C K S! Yep! SI-ARK-SSS, SUCKS! Never understand life totally. One moment, u are @ the top, the next u are rock bottom. Guess I am those most affected by it since I live quite a lonely life. Never noe how I realli got thru it last time. Think I never did from the looks of my wound. Haha! Juz dunno wat 2 feel now but 2 laugh. Think I am near 2 entering the gates of a psychiatric facility soon.

Did not have a veri good dae 2dae. Dun realli wish 2 write it down. The problems are always changing n revolving. Dun wanna turn this into a sad blog, even though this bloggy thing can get me quite irritated @ times.

Besides, tomo shall b the Judgement Day. Dun wanna spoil the dae further. Dun have much 2 say 2dae except nite!

A quote from a bible verse:-
"Ask, n it will be given 2 u; seek, n u will find; knock, n it will b opened 2 u." Matthew 7:7

p.s. I believe in this, do u?

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/02/2004 10:04:00 PM

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Sunday, February 01, 2004

Gothika 
Great dae 2dae. Went out 4 a show with my Niu Lang & Peici. Didn't want 2 travel 2 much, so juz caught it @ Jubilee, AMK Centre. Believe this film should b quite a low-grade film looking @ the amt of crowd. Yep! Am talking about the show Gothika. Dun realli understand wat the title means, but the show was pretty interesting. Not talking on the effects, the storyline was quite good. Nice twist in the ending of a horror film. Have also a few shocks about within the show. Not enough 2 realli get my nerves, but definitely more than enough 2 cause my sister 2 scream. Can't believe I was scared by sister's scream rather than the movie. I was like digital-surround scream. Hahaha! Imagine 2 here screamin beside u than from the screen. Hahaha! Freaky!

Went around centre 4 a while after the show. Am pretty surprised 2 b caught on 6.30pm Chinese News. They were actually doin a Live telecast in the public. Hahaha! 1st time on live TV. Did anybody c me? Dun realli think so. But was pretty cool I muz admit. Anyway, the newscaster was Dong Su Hua. Can't really say much onli she was wearing a lot of make up I can say.

Headed down 2 Bishan Junction 8 after that 4 dinner @ Pastamania. Muz realli say everytime when we r there, we onli dine @ Pastamania or Sakae Sushi. Pretty boring. But can't realli complain much as it was dinner time. Most places were either crowded or serve food which was inedible. (Muz say I am rather picky with food.) Ordered a carbonara while we shared a Ham & Mushroom Pizza. Think it was a bit too much. Thus, much of the pizza was wasted. As the clich茅 goes, it is wrong 2 waste food, so wat 2 do? We cleared it thru games. Hahaha! Guess we muz b pretty bored. But I muz admit it was definitely innovative n fun. Played guess the number. Dun think it is a stranger 2 anyone. Muz realli emphasize tt I am pretty lucky 2dae. Keep guessin the hidden number. Totally shitty! Hahaha!

Nah! But on the whole, the dae was great. Manage 2 grab the latest book of Charmed too. Truth & Consequences. Ok, think I shall end here 2dae. So can cont with my d/l of MTV. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 2/01/2004 10:11:00 PM

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