//...Raging Fire Burn...\\

Matthew Goh I am...
Am Chinese Christian with a dying dialect, Foochow.
Evolved into 11 this April.
However,known to be 25 for legal reasons.
Am a Taurean from the 1997 batch of babies.
Born 27/04/1997 @ 0524hrs almost into a toilet bowl.
Thank God, brought 2 life in Toa Payoh Hospital.
Love making friends, but have juz a few close ones.
Am an out of the closet gay guy .
Looking around and still single.
ORDed on 26/06/2004.
As for now, am a Customer Service Officer for FarEastFlora.com.
Top it all up, am too a student in SHATEC.
Realli got too many hobbies 2 name.

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Cheng San Kindergarten School
1988 - 1989

Da Qiao Primary School (P1-2, 2-2, 3-2, 4-3, 5-3, 6-2)
1990 - 1995

Ang Mo Kio Secondary School (Sec 1/3, 2/3, 3/3, 4/3)
1996 - 1999

Nanyang Junior College (OG 23, 1 CT 24, 1 CT 18, 2 CT 18)
2000 - 2001

Tekong BMTC School 2, Orion Coy, Platoon 3, Section 2, Bed 6
27th Dec 2001 - 16th Feb 2002

Ayer Rajar Camp, Ordnance Engineering And Training Institute, Electronics And Weapons Training Wing, Small Arms BTT 5
8 Feb 2002 - 4th May 2002

Nee Soon Driclad Centre, 6 Direct Support Maintenance Base, Armament Coy, Small Arms Platoon
6th May 2002 - 26th Jun 2004

Tristellar Enterprise, Sales & Logistics Coordinator AKA Account Manager
7th Jul 2004 - 5th Sep 2006

FarEastFlora.com Pte Ltd, Customer Service Officer
19th Sep 2006 -

SHATEC, Hotel Management, DHM408B
07th Apr 2008 -

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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Guilty?

Having veri mixed feelings now. Veri veri happy, veri veri sad. Yes, I settled all my ORD off n leave n starting 2 clear next week. Apparently, I was given 22 days of off by CPT Don n 2LT Chin 4 all the effort I put thru out my stay in the coy. Juz felt all my efforts placed thru all the years were paid off @ tt moment. There was no doubt in giving me those off. 4 this, I wish 2 thank them, plus MSG Sivan who recommended me, 4 all the help. The moment I heard the news, I was overjoyed. Juz funny, even thru all the struggles among the friendship, the 1st person in my mind I wish 2 share this news was Jon. Also shared it with Weixiong. Guess these 2 are the ppl whom I realli put down when I ORD even though thinking so much of ending the bond. Life will b so different w/o them. Dunno if the feeling is vice versa, but dun think I realli deserve it.

Also shared the news with my on-course mates. Guess tt was a veri wrong move. 4 this, am feeling so bad now. I mean it was me who set the standard of work so high, n me n my big mouth, dunno why I told them the number of off I got. Apparently, the number of days was based on performance which they dun stand 2 benefit. Why muz I spread it 2 them? Guess they muz b veri sad n jealous when they could clear onli in May. Feel so like comforting them, but I am the cause. Wat can I say 2 make the pain go away? Wat can I do 2 make them feel better? Whenever they look @ me now, juz feel they are so angry with me. I realli dun dare 2 approach them. Apparently, it was directly my fault. Am feeling so lousy now.

I juz want some support, some comfort, someone 2 talk 2 n cry 2. But is tt too much 2 ask as I have gained so much alreadi? Plus, do I have the right 2 ask? My guilt is juz weighing me down so much, I can��t juz move on. Juz feel so remorse, so sorry. Maybe it is right 2 get the cold shoulder from all my friends. After all, wat I did was a direct backstab. Dun deserve any friends. Maybe isolation is the best punishment 4 me. Dun want get anyone in trouble anymore.

I am sorry. Veri veri sorry!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/31/2004 07:58:00 PM

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

People

Looking around the workshop 2dae juz make me realise so much things. People. Yep! People. If u think tt the most scary thing in the world are ghosts (If they do exists I mean), it is time 2 change tt notion.

As scary as they might sound, they are so juz becoz we dun understand them. They are foreign things which are juz beyond our understanding.

Coming back onto my pt, what's more scary are human. Yep! Though the fact we know them so well, prob due 2 this pt, they become so scary. A moment they can b as caring as an angel, the next moment u c them, a devil in their face will appear. I am speaking of the changes in man.

Since he entering of 6DSMB, I come 2 noe the many characters of this working organization. There are definitely a mix of characters. Soon, in order 2 get use of the place, u muz get use 2 these characters. It is juz part n parcel of life 4 adaptation.

2dae, I am facing this prob of getting use 2 these changes. Not my surroundings, but with the ppl around me. So many of the ppl I grew up with in the company are gone. Be it they are there physically, it is the character n nature of these ppl which are also fading away.

My on-course mates which came with me into this unit used 2 b one of the most hardworking batch. Where are they now? They now hide around in every nook n cranky, searching 4 places 2 hide from work. These are not the ppl I made friends with. Where are they?

The heads. They used 2 b a batch of ppl who cared 4 their men. Welfare came first. Wat has become of it is now a backstabbing game. In order 2 move up the ladder, they juz use all sorts of means. I mean they can b veri caring towards each other, but another moment, they juz wish tt their opponents will trip n fall on their faces.

My understudies. They are a pretty hardworking in some way or another. Onli few are left. It is so disappointing 2dae 2 walk out of the workshop 2dae juz 5mins b4 lunch 2 find tt all have left. I mean, is there no one out there who realli works till past lunch? The essence of hardwork is juz lost like juz a flick of a finger.

Speaking of understudies. The newest batch of friends I have. So much have change. The main topic I like 2 pt out 2dae.

Kevin. Not say he changed a lot, he is still pretty evasive from work n injury prone, but he seems changed a lot recently. In front of the heads, esp the big boss. Not say it is a bad thing. He is juz paving his path 2 a much better stay. But, it is juz this feeling tt sth is not right.

Fangsheng. Also another soul which I can't realli put a finger onto. He is still equally popular. But it is juz so unlike him 2 bear a grudge with ppl. Yep! His grudge with Kenny. So sad 2 actually c there is totally no topic among these 2 friends of mine.

Kenny. He was this quiet guy who was always ready 2 learn everything tt was 2 b taught 2 him. He got along with everyone around. Now he is juz this guy who keeps so secluded in his own world. Dun say I am definite sure, juz feels there is lots of remorse n self-faulting within him. He keeps thinking he is this backstabber whom no one wants 2 befriend. Can't seem 2 break thru this barrier.

Shiang Han. A guy who is veri hardworking n close 2 the ppl surrounding him. 4get about tt mouth, he was pretty well-liked. Since some COPA incident, sort of find him slack in his working attitude. Sort of drifted away too since his girlfriend. Guess tt's wat happen when the love of ur life is found. But wat 2 do? But juz so feel like this spare tyre n hate this feeling.

Wee. He has always been this quiet guy whom I known since his lobo days in Gun Section. Veri shy n does work onli when told. Can't help but feel he has greatly been influence by my batch. Not wishing 2 elaborate more as it is realli painful 2 speak of the grave things my batch has done 2 the workshop.

Jon. Is this quiet, hardworking n motivating guy in my section whom I could click with. Not 2 say he has slack, coz he never stops. Juz feel he become veri quiet n moody since I got 2 noe him. Juz still can't help but blame myself 4 being the start of it. Anyway, he has been even more exceptionally quiet since the entry of R n I. Dunno wat's wrong n am in no liberty 2 noe why. But, this change sort of got us worried. No matter how things look, juz feel R n I looks like a good place 2 work, but a bad place 4 personal growth. Everyone juz have this super moody look.

Wee Siong. He used 2 have his group of friends whom seemed veri close with. Now, it is different. One even seems like put him on his dead list. He, one guy I can't seem 2 understand wat he is thinking. He is veri quick on jumping topics which made his character hard 2 grasp. But from the look of his face, sth is bothering him which b4 he seems much cheerful. Maybe his work? Maybe sth else? I dunno. Also, not in liberty 2 noe.

Vijay. When he seems so near, he is so far. He definitely is the name in everyone's mind. He was a veri jovial person, the sunshine of the workshop n his group of friends. The light is gone from him. It is noticeable. But juz dunno why. He juz wears this smile like me everyday, hoping 2 bluff the world. It is not working. Feel like wanting 2 help, but should I?

Overall, juz feel so much have change within the whole workshop. It is the changes in the surroundings tt coz them, I noe. But was there a need 4 such drastic changes? I dun say I have stayed the same. Coz I noe I have change a lot too. Not onli the recent events in the workshop, but many external factors.

Which brings me 2 the pt why I so hate myself now. Why can't I juz b the same n fit this new company? Noe it is not possible. But there is so much I could have done. N so much I shouldn't have? I am realli regretting.

Why muz I b so hardworking? So hate myself 4 setting such a high standard. Not everyone can b push 2 my limit. My ego. Why muz everything b so perfect? Why can't there b a flaw? Why muz I interfere?

Why did I not juz stick with my group of friends? Why muz I mix in with this group? They were perfect without me around. They survived thru OETI. Why muz I b such a destroyer n place such a big thorn within them. Juz feel so much conflict n probs will not exist without me. Why muz I b there?

Trying so hard 2 make amends 4 my wrongdoings. But it is so juz not enough. They are so small n I still can't bring myself 2 4give myself. Every nite, I will juz sit in my bed n think, if I realli had the power 2 turn back time, where will I turn back 2? The day I met Jon which brings me in the group? The day I enter RS2 which brings me on this ego spree? The day where I entered my 1st parade which brings me 2 my fame? I realli dunno the answer.

I juz feel so like this big bloody sinner which I can't seem 2 4give. Whenever I look at the ppl, this guilt juz goes into my heart n makes my dae bad. Do I realli need 2 exist in this world? Will it do better without me?

Can't help but juz find it hard 2 totally conform 2 all these changes. But, I am too a human. I feel pain n hurt. I am trying so hard 2 surpress it. But I am the fault. I am the cause. So wat have I 2 say? I deserve it? I give in 2 almost everything ppl wants. Feel so cheap. But, it is the price I got 2 pay 4 my debts. After all, wat starts with me, gotta end with me, right?

Please tell me wat's wrong n how 2 erase all the hurt. Please tell me 2 leave n reset everything back 2 the way it is.

Sometimes I realli think 2 much. But, they are facts n happening right b4 my veri eyes. How not 2 not think of it? End here. Still veri tired from last nite's function.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/30/2004 09:23:00 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004

Functions N More Functions

Yes, took half a day off 2dae. Apparently, it was not necessary, but yep! Functions, so needed 2 take the noon 2 do up myself. Juz hate it.

Am going out like in an hour's time 2 Orchard 2 style mt hair n yet, still have the time 2 blog. Partly, am also online 2 confirm my Uni application status. Can't believe tt even by paying the fee like last Thursday, the status is still awaiting payment 4 both Uni. Sucky! Had 2 call them up, apparently, onli could onli get thru NTU. Now muz call them while on the way 2 the saloon.

Juz hope they will dye my hair properly. The last time I did was like shit man! Worse of all was tt onli after 5 washings did the colour came off. Got me worried 4 a while. Yep! Still serving National Service n dyed hair is a BIG NO NO!!! Hahaha!

Back 2 the function, held @ the Grand Westin Hotel, now so called God noes wat? Received the news onli like last nite. Long story. Dun realli have time 2 say why. Juz say, I hate function. Esp this kind. Sigh! Tt's the story of my life.

Come 2 say it, my life is actually quite shitty. So bloody rich, yet still not happy. Why? Money can never buy happiness. Ppl juz think the more money u have, the happier u will b. Nah! Silly theory.

So many ppl I noe, yet so little close friends. Even within the close friends, it is so messy. Dunno realli understand some of them @ times. Like now, trying veri hard 2 maintain this grp of friends. Yet, juz feel like I'm struggling 2 b part of it, while being push around. Sigh! Nevertheless, I will still try until one day realli defeated.

Family tree so big, yet even more politics. Even father also leave me. Can't believe it. Think I leave this out. Shouldn't b saying this on public web anyway. Fancy hanging dirty linens outside.

Work, juz feel so taken 4 granted. @ least I have this under control. My service ending, so time 4 my moods. Not tt I ditched my responsibilities, juz try get out of more trouble in future.

Studies, one real troubling thing on hand. Apparently, dun realli want 2 screw up another year of application 4 University. But not under my control. Not tt by worrying much will do any help, but can't help it. It is something tt will affect my future n it is definitely something DAMN BIG 4 me. Can't juz sit by the sidelines n eat bonbons while not knowing wat is going 2 happen. Sigh! Man! Getting realli worried.

Got so many things yet 2 say. But can't believe my life is so screwed up even 2 the basic fundamentals of life. Muz realli say I am a real big ass failure. Guess I am juz this joke 4 ppl 2 laugh @ behind, 2 play with when they are bored n a big spare tyre want they need one.

Sick, weary n totally beaten I am.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/29/2004 01:50:00 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Lord of The Rings Fair

Yippie! Manage 2 catch the fair 2dae with Xiao Chin. Yes, u heard me rite, Xiao Chin onli. Apparently, Vijay played us out @ the last min. Not sure why but he definitely seems 2 b having some sort of trouble. Better ask him tomo.

Anyway, met him up @ Jurong 4 lunch 1st. Then headed 4 the fair. Too long not been down 2 Science Centre. Got lost on the way there. So malu!

But with the help of Seow Ping jie n my sms pal, Zheng Guo, manage 2 find our way 2 there. Haha!

Anyway, the place has indeed changed a lot since the visit I had last year 4 the Defence Science Exhibition. So once again, spend some time around searching where was the ticket booth.

Ok, down 2 the exhibits. Boy! They definitely look veri veri real. Can't help but saying it was realli excellent work n effort put in 2 thiese production. The most real life exhibit was the twin double of Boromir. Man! Even when I was told tt it was juz a fake silicon model, I still have trouble believing it. It was juz so real!

The props were also remarkable. U should have seen the worth range of rubber masks, ears, body parts blah! Boy! Enough 2 form a mountain. Plus the accessories, man! So many! Juz wish I could have the whole range of rings. But 1 accessory definitely worth buying was Arwen's necklace, the Evenstar. The necklace which she gave Aragon on the start of the mission. Still remember wat she said 2 him when he refused 2 take it. "It is mine 2 give 2 whom I will, Like my heart." So touching!!! Haha! Did not realli buy it still due 2 lack of funds. Prob go hunting @ the Heeren 4 it. Hope it is cheaper.

Anyway, the trip was worth it. But juz found it 2 fast. I mean the place n exhibits were so interesting, time seems past so fast. Sigh! Hope 4 more. Also took a Hobbit n human photo with Xiao Chin. Juz gotta find a scanner 2 upload the photo. C first.

Say the truth, quite enjoy this trip. But can't help but feeling a little disappointed with Vijay. Nvm, juz hope he is well. Tomo is work day again. Sort of scard 2 face wat is 2 come tomo. Not sure if it is a bad or good dae. Juz keep thy fingers cross n c. This should b it 4 2dae. Good dae!

"I would rather share one lifetime with u than face all ages of this world alone." - Arwen

This phrase is 4 all the close friends I have the honour 2 share with in my life. Realli wanna thank God 4 them.
~ Niu Lang aka Koh Zhi Wei
~ Jonathan Chen Mingyao
~ Lee Peici
~ Zheng Chaowei
~ Opheania Chen Shan Shan
~ Goh Weixiong
~ Kevin Tan Chen Wah
~ Vijay Liew Che Yan
Thanks 4 being there 4 me. Noe many of us are going thru rough patches, veri rough indeed n times of doubt now. Hope all these probs will settled soon. May God strenthen our bonds n guide the way. Stay close together always!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/28/2004 05:59:00 PM

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Going Thru The Rebound

It is a Saturday nite now. Apparently, had not updated my blog the past few days 4 few reasons. Yes, mood is definitely one of them. Am on the rebound of friendships. Also, past few days have been late home pretty often. In fact, am feeling the after effects this afternoon. @ least it is a Saturday, could catch up some sleep b4 catching up with my niu lang. Anyway, walk down my eventful few days of non-blog.

Thursday, kicked off with a pretty bad start 4 me. Yes, there was quite an amount of component repair 2 b done n my IC on MC. Was quite shocked when few units came in with quite a number of GPMGs. The section held the production line strong n completed the quota. Am veri proud of them 2 b able 2 cont on with few capable ppl out of the production line. Muz rely a lot on them in future 2 hold RS2 high.

Anyway, Kevin was self-admitted into hospital 2dae. Apparently, he was there 2 act as a sort of guinea pig or wat I call as a test specimen 2 the trainee doctors in Alexandria Hospital. He was their exam paper sort of. Feel it was a pretty bad choice as Kevin would onli coz those doing the paper on him 2 failed. As expected, 2dae he came back n told us out of 2 who took the test on him, none passed. Both got immediate failure. Man! He is definitely jinxed on ppl. Hahaha!

Ok, the pt I am bringing up is tt Jon, Wee Siong n I went down 2 visit him. Yep! Dun understand y, but guess he was a veri good friend n usually when ppl enter hospital, u visit them. Apparently, the way he acts, I feel he admits himself more into a hotel than a hospital. Who is admitted into hospital n still @ McDonald��s 10+ @ nite? Hahaha! Joker!

Anyway, discussed a lot on the changes in the company in the near future. Apparently, they heard a lot of news, bits n pieces, n decided 2 share the info. Thank God none would realli affect me much due 2 the my end of service in June. But wat I am surprised is tt, I noe a lot of these info long b4 hand direct from the mouth of CPT Don. Never noe tt he would actually tell me so much n not juz rumors. And pretty accurate info. Did not share too much but juz enough as I feel it was more destructive 2 noe it b4 hand. Might juz put them into a lot of unnecessary worries. Besides, there are bound 2 b slight changes. But from the end product which CPT Don so-called told me, if it is realli truth, it is definitely 360 degrees of radical changes. And it involves a whole list of serious changes. My! So much things actually in such a small brain of a CPT. Veri surprised.

Also talk on our recent prob of friendship. Yep! Had a veri frank talk. Though I find it not much of a help. (We had like dunno how many talks b4 the prob.) So much of analysis, but ended up, the same path is still walked. So much so, make it quite pointless 2 talk about. Besides, dun understand y Weixiong is like making it like a joke. Prob 2 lessen the tension? How do I noe? Actually, am quite tired 2 keep talking on this subject. Juz our concepts are realli different. No pt trying 2 discuss, pt taken n then cont with it. Had a further talk with Jon on the way home too. Be frank, was feeling a little better after it, but felt the level of friendship actually dropped since I felt this barrier was suddenly make clearer 2 me. Dun realli noe how 2 express this feeling, but @ least wat can b said, is all said.

Next day, Friday came with much a surprise 2 me. Dun wish 2 say much. But definitely veri surprise. Not sure if he realli did try 2 change a bit, or juz somehow things fell into place tt day, felt different with him around me. Not he was talking more, juz enough 2 break the silence. Yep! B it juz a sentence in the first meet, was enough 2 start the friendship with a brighter future. Was actually thinking was I over-sensitive or wat. Or maybe, things was like tt, juz didn��t realise it. But nope leh, this morning, the silence barrier was also broken. Sounds like I am a bit childish or veri easy 2 satisfy, but 4 wat it is worth, I appreciate all the effort no matter wat. Will not hope 2 much like I did b4, but if things go on like this, I believe matters can b solved veri soon. But, juz wonder was the attempt deliberate or not? Will it last? Or am I disillusion again? Realli hope things will b cont able 2 work out. But I understand I gotta give in too. Juz wonder wat on my part can I do 2 improve things too.

Went on time off tt afternoon after the triggered of by Jon, Wan Poo n Fangsheng. Popped an excuse of needing 2 go 2 the bank which thanks 2 1WO Ravi, bought the story n immediately let me off @ 3.30pm. This sort of trigger off Weixiong silly prank of making me think he was pissed off with me. Threatened 2 end the friendship. ��If this is ur concept of friendship, count me out��. This was his exact words. Got me worried 4 the whole afternoon. Almost solve one prob, now getting into another. Almost killed myself. Actually planned 2 go home grab some sleep b4 heading out with him n Jon, ended up got an insomnia. Shit him! Ended up, he was onli pulling my leg. Tell u, I almost murdered him alive.

Yep! We met up @ Orchard n dine-in @ Sakae Sushi. Big joke with the bill. Everyone brought so little cash tt we were squeezing every dollar out of our wallets. Thank God, it was enough. Walked around a while n had coffee @ Cineleisure��s TCC. (Dun ask me wat it stands 4 coz I also dunno.) Sounds weird, but a place with nice ambience I muz say. Once again, went home late again.

2dae, had 2 get back 2 camp since CO made it compulsory 4 all 2 come back. Was supposed 2 report 2 Seletar Camp, but last min changes, held it in camp anyway. Had a 4.8km run followed by a show of Black Hawk Down. Find it quite stupid 2 ask everyone 2 come back juz 4 such a function. Total waste of time. Anyway, many of my company did not go 4 the show. 4 me, went out with Kok Seng, MSG Sivan n MSG Mohan 2 Yishun 2 shop 4 fishes. Yep! Bought another 100 tetra neons 4 my fish tank. Hahaha!

Guess the weather was a bit off, plus few days of late nites, got a headache halfway thru the trip. Got worse on the way home, but manage 2 have a sleep b4 going out again. Headache did got well, but came down with a slight fever instead. Decide not 2 realli let it bother me, still went out with my niu lang. Hang out @ AMK Centre n dine-in @ Breeks. Sucky! Haha! Prob being around him makes me feel @ ease, did not feel much of the effects of the fever. Met up with Peici n Chaowei after tt too. So, guess I made pretty full use of this Saturday. Hahaha!

Now, am back 2 now. Am reviewing Faye Wong��s lastest album, Jiang Ai, with compliments from Jon. (Juz t-loan onli la!) Am definitely feeling much better since I am resting in my air-con room with the whole house 2 myself. Apparently, my mum is at my aunt��s while my bro is working late 2nite. So home alone! Still worrying a lot of things in my mind now, but much better. Juz wondering will things go back 2 wat it was on Monday again? Will more prob arise? Wat can I do on my part 2 improve the situation? Guess I have juz 2 move one step @ a time 2 find out. But still got tomo Sunday, one more day b4 work begins again. Am pretty excited about tomo since I am going 2 the Lord of the Rings fair @ Science Centre with Vijay n Xiao Chin. Hope it live up 2 its name.

Shall update more tomo. 4 now, need do some of my admin stuff b4 heading 2 bed. Nitey readers!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/27/2004 11:04:00 PM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Short Day I Feel

Nothing much 2 report 2dae. Pretty feeling same like yesterday. Still same few unsolve prob. Shall not elaborate on those. Coz it will stay with me 4 veri long. Still unable 2 make a good decision. Awaiting the reply n comments of my friend. Also wanting 4 sth, anything 2 happen between these friendships 2 make the correct move, else will still try play along n keep certain distance. Juz all up 2 their call if they wanna accept or wat. Whether it will last thru the rain.

Though I muz say I'm getting use 2 my new life with the new RS2. Still miss the past, but the present is not bad. At least with 2SG Vivek, ard in my section, I feel veri more at ease. Able 2 conc on more of my other jobs while he handles the weapons.

But I not so bad la. Did not let down my section. When there is weapons, I'll b still there 2 do it. Still help up in everything I can do. After all, Vivek is still new. need help him catch on the ropes. Anyway, pretty grateful with him 4 supporting me yesterdae with the armorer from 40SAR. Veri picky.

2dae, help sort up all the documents in CPT Don's office. Muz say pretty busy looking at the pile of paper. Hahaha! But still enjoyed it. Why? My whole section is involved. Or should I say, those I like 2 b ard are there. Hehehe! Still my fave section. Definitely dun want 2 leave it even 4 the world. Dun mind staying like tt till my ORD. Hope so lah! See first how.

Received good news 2dae. 2SG See from my section is most likely going 2 leave my section!!!! Hahaha! 2 where, I shall not say yet. Not veri good 2 spread rumors. As long he gets out of my section. Hahaha!

Ok, so far like tt lah. Nothing much 2 add. Good nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/24/2004 09:55:00 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Athletics Meet

2dae came back veri early. Plus also had 2 leisury of sleeping late @ home this morn. Apparently, I onli had 2 report 2 Khatib Camp by noon 4 the Annual Army Logistics Athletics Meet. Veri slack dae indeed. Goin there 2 witness the event as a spectator with Kevin.

But feel veri ashamed of myself, slept till so late 2dae till almost miss the meeting time with Jon. Apparently, he was 1 of the few competitors who lastly, God noes why, name was taken out with a group of my friends. Haha! Big joke!

The event was ok lah. Not realli veri interesting. Anyway, been b4 last yr. Did not stayed till the end as no one realli cared. Anyway, the ending was pretty obvious. GSMB most likely should b the champ again. Haha!

Coming home early was good as it gives me the time 2 actually complete all my applications 2 university. Made dreadfully lots of calls due 2 the broken communications between NUS n NTU. Wat PIN, passwords, apllication forms blah! Manage settle all of them in time anyway b4 the offices closes. But still short of few supporting docs. Guess have 2 get them ready asap tomo.

Also, receive a mail from a friend whom apparently reads my blog quite faithfully. Quite surprised anyway. Dun want name him out else he kills me. @ least he is 1 person who replys 2 wat I write in my blog. Another is Yongfa. Yep! Thanks a lot! @ least let me noe I am not wasting my shoutbox or email hyperlink. Back 2 topic anyway. He asks me why I am hiding my feelings of being sad n putting on a happy face. Juz protecting myself, I feel. I mean, tt's wat my friends want. I juz do wat they ask. Dun put on super sad faces as it put off ppl's moods. In turn, they dun feel like talking. Apparently, they are still not talking veri much. But not 4 me 2 comment anyway. Dun talk when nothing 2 talk. There is no need 2 strike conversation. I respect tt.

Which brings me 2 his next pt. Why am I finding hard 2 speak 2 them? Is there no topics? Or they dun feel like talking? Apparently, I realli dunno. Apparently, my relationship with them is veri different from ours. We can talk till the cows come home n anything under the sun. EVERYTHING! N still continue talking. Even when we are dead, u place us together, our mouths are still talking. Haha! Apparently, not so in this case. Maybe generation gap? Makes me feel veri old leh. Haha! Hey! I trying find the reason too. Apparently, I was told I need 2 take the initiative 2 start a conversation or keep silent when there's realli nothing 2 talk. I accepted tt.

Brings me next pt of ur question. Wat use my initiative? Come out idea n get rejected crap? Haha! This is definitely lame. They want me 2 give ideas n b more independent I believe. But wat I feel is juz tt I dun get much support. Prob sth more 2 do with the me stuff lah. Say the truth, dun realli feel like trying it again la. But if they realli want ideas in future, juz give them any idea la. Like u say, yep, will b rejected in the end. So why make everyone unhappy. Hahaha! Shall do it.

Lastly, why I called these ppl my close friends even after so much probs? Apparently, guess I juz feel closer 2 them since I am working with them 7 to 5 week-daily. Tt was the starting part. The more u get 2 noe each other, more probs arise. Not onli with me. Others among others too. Yah! I admit this guy of same character with me definitely have good prospect of close friends. Joke I muz say, I am having trouble facing this fact 2dae. Not sure if he has a prob with me. Maybe if I conform 2 his form of idealogy of friends, things might work out? Yeah! It is not like me. I've tried every of my method. No harm trying his, right? Dun tell me la. I also feel like puppet. But I am a bit sensitive lah. So prob harsh in some details. Dun judge on tt lah. If it is truth, then so b it lah. Wat u want me do? Kill them? Squeeze it out of them? Hahaha! Sick! I alreadi say May. Juz b happy la.

Apparently, I been asked by a lot of ppl if I am sure he is my bro. I said definitely. When the question is turned like u are asking me now, if he is sure I'm his bro, I dunno n it is this which is scarding me the most. Someting bothering I muz say. Apparently a lot of things dun show. U should noe me tt I am an words n action person rather than one of either. This case is unique. Silence is golden, action is diamond. Juz gotta accept his style. Somehow this sounds like a veri simple picture but it is not so. I dunno how 2 put it 2 words n describe 2 u, but things have changed. Even I have, 2 fit these new pictures.

Yep! U say I definitely act veri cold hearted 2 a close friend. But, I realli dunno how 2 b this close friend of his. I now juz doing wat I am told. Apparently, most of the things up there u read are by him. I mean I am giving a chance in this close friendship by following his call. Dun b sensitive n believe he cares. Yep! I am starting 2 doing tt. Hey! it is not so easy. This friendship is not like the one I share with u k? Dun try preach so much on me. Wait till u get into such a mess b4 u start doing so.

But no matter wat, I shall listen 2 u 2 let the time of silence n distance during my clearing leave 2 prove should the friendship deserve 2 b kept instead of making quick n hasty decisions. Sounds like my niu lang here. Shall keep u updated of the results. Thanks 4 caring anyway. Appreciate it a lot. Yes, having a tough time. But with u this type of friends who understand me around, definitely makes it better. Apparently, think this trait is definitely lost in the recent friendships I made. Sigh!

p.s. Hey! U can read some of the blog on my site 2 get a clearer pict. Then tell me ur comments. Then I can make better decisions from a 3rd person's view. Thanks a lot.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/23/2004 09:03:00 PM

Monday, March 22, 2004

Section Saikang Party

Haha! Great dae with the section 2dae. Apparently, there was no weapon repair 2dae, so decided 2 take on jobs 4 Jasmine n Weixiong. @ least keep my section out of trouble n arrows.

In the morning, sort out the DX spares in the DX armory. This armory is owned by us where our customers can exchanged their faulty weapons 4 serviceable ones. However, of course it got its conditions. Yep! Finish the job like in 1 hour's time. Lastly, sat in the armory n opened a new-age band. Hahaha! Definitely having a veri musical moment.

4 noon, offered our services 2 Weixiong in the sorting out of CPT Don's files, doc n keys. My my! He definitely have lots of junk. Hahaha! Went thru a lot of secret doc too, dating realli way back all the way till present dae. Hahaha! Not incline 2 talk much on them. He also definitely have lots of keys. More than enough 2 open a locksmith shop. Hahaha!

But guess the irony, nope could replace the key which was lost from RnI 2dae. Yep! Apparently, it juz vanished into thin air. Poor Chitra who was the CDO 2dae took the blame. Sigh!

On the whole, I'm feeling much better now. Yep! Releasing a few relationships n accepting some facts of life like those I type yesterday definitely make me feel so much more happier. @ least make me realise those who realli cares 4 me, those who cares n makes use of me, n those who totally ignores me.

Thinking n embracing these facts suddenly make me feel so excited 2 my approaching ORD date. Juz feel so like leaving the camp now n leave all the sorrows n misery behind, beginning a new life with a new batch of friends. Not 4getting bringing along those close friends, those who treat me like the Matthew I realli am, giving me the respect as a human, a close friend. Nvm, my time will come. N then, I'll not look back.

Ok, need go back 2 my application online 4 my University. Also, take care of the house with the return of my so-called dad. Not going let him affect my life. Haha! Nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/22/2004 09:57:00 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Am I Dreaming?

Haha! Manage 2 catch a show with my niu lang this morning. The Eye 2. Sort of a disappointment in the show but nevertheless, in the coy of friends who dun let u down easily, guess all pays up. Meeting with him was pretty short as I had 2 rush off 2 meet Vijay 4 the Bodyworlds exhibition @ Expo Hall. Ask him along but guess he is realli not interested in this sort of exhibits. Nvm, another time then. Not tt he always turns me down.

Anyway, the exhibition was truely an eye-open experience. Realli got an inside look 2 the human body. But felt veri painful 4 the bodies who were literally cut up 2 bits n pieces. Haha! Look so real, yet so fake. Total oxymoron. Realli enjoyed myself every min. Glad could find a buddy who shares this same interest as me. Hahaha! Wonder wat will we b when we grow up.

Actually arranged 2 meet Wee Siong N Jon 4 dinner after tt, ended up, after a clash of few factors, decided 2 head straight home. So here now I am feeling bloody hungry, hurt n happy again. Yep! Happy. Why? Let's analyze this.

Use my initiative. Yep! Sounds nice n easy 2 say. How many times have I tried tt n failed? How many times have I come out with an idea n get rejected? Once, twice, EVERYTIME. Thanks man! So this is the encouragement I get. Hehe! Well, I feel veri motivated somehow. Haha!

My family prepare dinner. Huh? Thot we arranged earlier 2 eat out? I speak like saying jokes huh? No! Maybe I am speaking alien language. Yah! Tt muz b it. Guess I better head back 2 kindergarten again.

Postpone 2 next time. Woah! Sounds even nicer! Ok, I guess tt's the best solution there was @ tt time since everyone's plans clashed. Yep! Definitely since after on my further analyisis, is the best plan.

Funny I have still this sinking sensation I've juz been kicked in the ass n into the pit hole again. Now, how funny do I look? Haha! Man! I've realised I've been the greatest joke on earth n still been pushed around like a dirt. This is definitely the best role I can ever get. Thank a lot, friends! U all definitely make my feel like I am at the top of the world! @ last I feel the definition of closeness. Realli enjoyed every bit of it. Realli! From the bottom of my heart. Hey! Dun worry! I'll still b there till May 4 u all 2 push around. Keep up the good work!

p.s. Any sneak previews as 2 wat am I goin 2 b kicked 2 next week? Haha! See u all tomo!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/21/2004 07:33:00 PM

A Long Nite Thinking

Didn't realli sleep a bit last nite. Thot realli long about almost everything. Came out with 1 phrase. "2 Swallow One's Pride & Move On".

Watever tt means. But prob I'm being too stuck up. I dunno. Prob I have more bad pts tt I dunno. Tt I'm yet 2 find out. But watever it is, I giving the last chance 4 myself 2 try rectifying it.

Yep! Swallow my pride is it. Juz dunno where the line of right n wrong now. So might as well draw it 2 mine. 3 is to 1. Can't c how the 1 person can b right. Besides, @ least more will benefit if the 1 person give in. N tt gotta b me.

Move on from here. I'm still pretty vague on tt. I still have no idea how with the present situation. Maybe I'll find the solution, maybe not. But willing 2 give another try. So tt's my final decision from wat I promise yesterday. If it doesn't, then I shall go 4 the worse.

Need 2 go off now. Though tired, but need a breather from all these mess.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/21/2004 09:49:00 AM

Heavy Heart

I juz dunno how 2 put down in words of how I feel now. There is juz nothing 2 describe this feeling of letdown by some ppl u trust so much n least expected 2 b hurt by. I noe this is a small matter n should not b put 2 heart.

Juz dunno whenever I think of the matter, is juz so heartbreaking. Coincidence is all we muz say. 4 the benefit of doubt, I'll let it pass. But it is not tt. Since they can still laugh about the matter, juz go ahead. I am so serious bout this. Realli wonder if I should b so affected by this matter.

They called me, they msg me. Ok, let juz take it they care n I am @ fault. But sth is dreadfully wrong 4 me 2 think this way. It is our theory of close friends.

Juz imagine being called 2 go out, but lastly, the outing was so called thot 2 b cancelled. Lastly, thru another friend, u found out the meeting was still on but u are not invited. N u turned up. Not tt I am not invited, but it is the feeling like I muz b the 2nd party 2 noe, the feeling juz sucks. They said it is coincidence tt we meet since tt was another meeting. But I did say I wanted 2 meet if they were meeting. So? The theory of friends 4 us juz seems so different. Plus add on, the person I care most in the grp doesn't even wanna call 2 explain, msg. Now why should I care?

Realli stuck @ this junction of where 2 turn. Ok, agree I am too sensitive over this matter. Fine! I'm sorry. My nature. But since u all noe, should anyone try, try sth different. Or am I over-demanding? Actually I feel veri confused now. I juz dunno how handle it. Juz so feel close friends can open up almost everything. They talk. They can. They can. I dunno wat 2 type. It is juz useless coz watever I write is still my thot. 4get it. Nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/21/2004 12:42:00 AM

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Attention Divertion

Apparently, trying 2 make myself veri busy this week in order not 2 think 2 much.

Yesterday went out with Jeff 2 Punggol Kampung House. Supposed, it was rumored 2 b haunted. Guess it did not live up 2 its name. The place was so deserted n clean tt all we found in the house was a table n 2 stools. Haha! Guess we have 2 find a better place 2 explore in future.

Went 2 Compassvale 4 coffee since it was pretty early. Dunno if it was luck, Vijay bumped into us. Haha! From an early nite, we chatted till midnight. Man! Took a cab home n onli went 2 bed bout 1am.

Sat was terrible. Totally bombed with fatigue. But still manage 2 get thru the morn PT n headed 4 a nap in the locker room. Now I am back home here quickly typing my blog so 2 go out 4 my next appt. But, dunno juz when I am typing, I'm back 2 thinking so much again.

Say the truth, pretty affected by events yesterday n 2dae. These events juz keep compelling me 2 make a decision quickly. A route which I dun wanna take. But guess I muz do it. Shall fully decide in tomo's blog with the remaining events of the week.

Shall end here since I'm in a rush. Bye!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/20/2004 01:35:00 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Depress Man!

How can this be? Of all the things I drop, I muz drop my EZ Link card. Believe it muz b on the 169 bus. Shitty! Juz hope the ppl will b kind 2 return it 2 me. Sigh! Waiting 4 the HP 2 ring now.

So tired n busy, yet still muz happen such depressing thing. Can��t help but feeling so shitty!

Actually I dun need 2 b so busy. Juz trying divert my attention away from feeling like I lost someone from my section. Trying 2 find someone 2 replace the emptiness in my heavy heart. Juz dun noe why ppl so like 2 talk 2 me about my bro in RnI. This is definitely one topic I so dun wanna talk about. Yet they still like 2 talk of it in front of me.

Even walking thru RnI is so depressing lately. Seeing tt blue water bottle with the black bag on the tables of RnI 2dae juz make me realise so much I have lost. How I have not treasured him when he was right beside me. 2dae after back from my attachment @ 15SIB @ Tanjong Gul Camp, Tuas, was so unwillingly 2 walk past RnI. There he was sitting there, with his new gang of friends. Called back by SSG Koh when going back 2 the workshop realli make me wear the mask veri painfully. Make the conversation sound so normal. Glad I did a great job. Guess no one will even noe unless they read my blog. But who cares?

I had, I lost n now trying 2 move on. Busy dae in trying complete Xiao Chin��s arrows the whole afternoon. Trying find another company with him n Alex in the toolstore. Juz trying stay out of the section 2 avoid the bad memories. Say I did find slight happiness, but juz a momentary one. Nothing can replace the real emptiness in my heart.

Guess I��m going 2 try 2 pack myself these few weeks juz 2 get out of the sadness. Feel like calling him out this weekend, but juz not brave enough 2 call. I mean even going out on weekdays is alreadi so hard, weekends, I dunno. Initiative I still lack, n yet 2 develop on it. Even so calling him out, dunno wat 2 do. So? Hahaha! Feel so foolish fancy thinking so much n doing so little. Wat I have I done 2 deserve his time? Dun think I can think of any. Besides, think he would rather face other better friends than me 7 days a week. Wat a torture!

Now am set in front of this cold screen pouring out my heart, which I noe he will soon read later. Then he will feel guilty. Then I��ll tell him dun. But he will still feel the same. But how do I explain 2 him tt it is my issues rather than his? Did tt so many times but juz dun get it. Feel so awkward n gay whenever talking 2 him of this topics face 2 face. Onli pouring out of heart on my blog reduces this awkwardness. But achieves nothing. Is there a solution 2 this or not?

I still can��t bear 2 ask him, or talk 2 him how he is doing in his new line of work. Not I dun care, but juz words dun come out of my mouth. Juz feel I will burst out in tears if I do so. So guess I juz wait 4 him 2 write in his blog of how he feels 2 find out. Prob the onli way I will find out since we hardly speak nowadays.

This is going 2 b a realli long n hard few months 2 ORD. Juz dunno how 2 survive the sadness. But it is something I muz do. Why? Coz I muz rach the stage of being close with him, but not b affected by the distance. Maintain the friendship, but not b affected by sadness. Veri hard, but sth I muz do it on my own since it is laying within me. A path 2 walk on my own.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/18/2004 08:30:00 PM

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Opps! Thousand Apologies!

Need 2 make few amendment 2 my entry 2dae. Dunno wat��s wrong with me but keep typing nonsense 2dae. Be it blog entry or sms. Sigh! Something wrong with me 2dae. Definitely. Anyway, not realli in the mood so juz b quick with this.

When I said I noe my bro too well till it gets complicated with my personal prob, I mean it get complicated with the prob which arised from our friendship. Apparently, juz our over-sensitive nature dun realli click tt well. U are no less sensitive in nature than me. Tt��s wat got us into this mess 2dae. Dun ask why coz it is sth part of us. Try accept it 4 u might nvr noe it is good in future.

I understand u too well. Yes! But sometimes too well 2 the extent of doubting myself if I should trust myself. Got it? Simple terms, I doubt myself 4 knowing u too well. Thus, getting worried over things which dun need 2 b worried. But still muz thank u 4 re-ensuring me the friendship u promised me time n again. Truth, juz @ times, it��s hard 2 understand the hidden care n concern u given me. U are truthly one unique friend I ever had. Like I got a mirror friend or wat.

Also, dun doubt urself tt u dun understand me. U do noe me well. As well as my Niu Lang does. U 2 are the onli ones who noes me tt well. Dun doubt tt fact. Of course I noe myself best, but tt's beside the pt. Pt is, all I can share, which is almost everything, is alreadi share with u 2 most impt ppl. Dun doubt tt fact. k?

Last amend is with my maint court case. I am totally fooled by the expressions on my mum��s face. We won the case. Yep! In fact, the judge based on our previous records with the present one, dismissed the case immediately. So guess I dun need worry on my maint case any bit in the near future. Veri happy @ least managed 2 put down 1 big stone on my shoulders. But believe case will reopen when I get out of service. Sigh! Juz gotta b prepared. Will msg my close friends of this good news later. Thanks 4 all ur support!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/17/2004 09:08:00 PM

Weapons Seminar 2004

2dae manage get home pretty early. Did not report 2 camp 2 work 2dae anyway. Yep! Attended a seminar @ OETI this morning 4 the above mentioned seminar.

Guess this was all a big nonsense seminar. Dun think any problems are solved, juz something 2 tell us tt we are going 2 receive more jobs in the future. 4 WII I mean, not 4 NSF. Sigh! But @ least manage 2 waste half a dae like tt.

Did not go back 2 camp after tt. Applied 4 half a day off n went back home. Prob a good time 2 rest. Take a break from the workshop. Anyway, production is less now, so can afford 2 take a breather.

Am feeling pretty weird 2dae. Sad, but not tt sad. Angry, but not tt angry. Happy, also not tt happy. Maybe more accurate is a bit of mixed feeling of them. Not sure how 2 describe. Once again had 2 face the whole group of friends 2dae 4 this seminar. Relations still seem is veri cold. On the surface, can��t realli notice. 4 the veri sensitive, it is damn obvious.

Kevin & Vijay realli seems total strangers. Though I dun noe wat the prob realli is, but juz feel it is more 2 small issues yet 2 b work out. Dun realli want 2 probe much as I��m in no position 2 ask. Am pretty guilty of such prob too.

Yep! With Jon. Every time after a talk with him, juz feel left in a deeper confused state. Not tt I dun understand him. Juz understand him 2 well till it gets complicated with my personal prob. Juz veri messy. We juz have this same character of beating up oneself 4 the smallest reasons. Fancy me trying advice him, sort of, when I��m facing such shit. Oww! The irony! Have much resign 2 fate n not push 2 hard. Bear the pain oneself n hope ppl will not notice it. Besides, guess it is high time 2 noe tt not everything is within our control.

Noe I am saying a lot of these lately. Many are juz 2 console myself. But who else out there is able 2 console me? I noe myself the best. Best doctor is me. Medicine I prescribe is all 4 me so let��s try it.

Muz still b strong 4 the ppl ard me. 4 my family, which I dun think everything went veri smoothly 2dae @ the maint court. 4 close friends who still want me in their lives. 4 a work which I still have responsibilities in them. Have failed in 2 many aspects of life recently. I dun more 2 b blacklisted in my life.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/17/2004 04:57:00 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I'll Be Damn

Once again back 2 blog complains. Still sad. Yep! How not 2? He is juz rite in front of me n is radio silence. We talk nothing except work. Even in front of friends, communication is still down. Feel like a big pity things have 2 turn out this way.

Now, he is once again on my ICQ window. Not sure if he can see me, but it yes, muz it always b me 2 start a hi? Feel so tired always starting the greetings. Find so fake 2 strike up a conversation. Always try drop a hi, but still will end up 2 a brute end. Dunno wat 2 say. Are things realli so bad till they muz end like tt?

Somehow, can't help but say am quite happy tt he is going into R n I now. Prob he can find his joy n smile back there. Me dun need try face him n strike conversations. He dun need try siam me everytime I'm ard. Me, try get back 2 my normal self of trying keep happy n stop worrying bout him.

Felt so hard 2 talk nowadays among the group. Esp during lunch. We dun talk as much as we used 2 like b4. We juz eat, n once in a while throw a comment or 2. Can't help but feel so sad 2 eat n keep up appearances. Onli time we unanimously talk is 2 leave the table n go back camp. Having such lunches realli coz indigestion. The food is alreadi so bad, add on 2 the mood, everything juz sucks. Lunch is so different from b4.

Decided 2 have lunch out with Marcus instead. Juz feel a need 2 get out of the group 4 a while. Dun wanna spoil a whole good dae. Time is so hard 2 pass now since the nearing of my ORD. Add on the stress of friends, time seems on a stand still.

Prob this is a good time 2 take a breather between the 2 of us. See where we gone wrong. See if where 2 move on from here.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/16/2004 08:50:00 PM

Monday, March 15, 2004

At The End Of My Pointy Little Hat

This muz b one of the worse daes of my life. No matter how hard I try 2 strike up a conversation with my bro, it can��t last, or end up with a prob subject. Feel veri tired @ how things are turning are between us. Whenever I look @ him, juz feel like he is running away from me or wat. Onli approaches me when it is work related or going home. Can��t understand why this is all happening.

How do I not b angry? I am not sad, or not tt sad in the morn. I was still cracking jokes with other of my section mates. Realli dunno wat is going on. Am I missing something? Or is it realli 2 a pt of no return?

Feel so like giving up. But shouldn��t b hasty on such a big decision. It is not easy 2 meet someone so the same, most of all, brothers dun come by like tt. Maybe we are characters of too the same kind, we can��t click. Realli tired @ analyzing us.

Talk about the rest of my group of friends. They can��t even click tt well anymore. Kevin n Vijay. Vijay n Jon. Wat��s going on? We are no more tt one close group of friends. I am not trying 2 b superman n try salvage it, but I am trying 2 do my part. Juz feel like sometimes when u give so much n get so little in return, u juz feel so disappointed n throw everything aside. My birthday is juz next month n @ this state, I dun even noe how 2 call all of them together. Even I am having a prob with my bro, so how is it going 2 work out by then?

Juz tell me how am I suppose 2 face this prob. Should I juz turn my back n when it is my time, I��ll walk away. However, I dun understand myself. I keep turning back. It is sth veri hard 2 put down.

Also, my ankle hurts 2dae from yesterday��s outing. Sprained my ankle when walking towards Plaza Singapura with Chong 2 meet Shirley n Bee Ling. Met them 4 a show of ��Haunted Mansion��. Quite a cocky show I muz say. But @ least able 2 take a time off my prob. Also bought a new bag. Outdoor Products 4 juz $26. Quite like it. Juz 2 replace my dying Oakley bag. Hahaha!

@dae work been light. Finish up quite early n sat around 2 chat. Me, had 2 settle an arrow. Apparently, was picked by GSMB 2 go 4 their upcoming ICT @ the end of this month. Can��t believe after I fight so hard 4 all pess status of L3 not 2 go out field, in the end, I am once again the victim. Am I the onli soldier left in army tt everyone wants me? I am going ORD n still I muz pick up these type of arrows. Once again, still muz thanks CPT Don 4 deflecting this arrow 4 me. Owe him another favour. Sigh! Say the truth, dun find him such a bad person. But guess it is juz a personal opinion.

Ok, want 2 turn in n rest early 2nite. Need a lot energy tomo since my IC once again have left the section 2 me indirectly. Good nite!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/15/2004 08:32:00 PM

A Life W/O My Bro

The dreadful dae of tomo is coming tomo.

1stly, it is work n more work. Sth I dun wish 2 see now since I am in my ORD mood. But weapons will still fail no matter wat. So repair work muz still go on. So more so, the motivation of my section is gone. So means I muz go back 2 my hardwork days again n try motivate my section 2 work again on myself, all on my own. Sth which I dunno if I can do it again. This brings me on 2 my next pt.

Yep! My bro is goin 2 try his 1st dae @ RnI tomo. So means I'm like losing a veri good friend. Yep! SAF. Feeling veri sad lately. 2nite when I think of it, am realli crying. Dunno sth like wat my bro said, I should feel happy becoz he is happy. 2 me it is easier said than done. Imagine I had a perfect life alone. Then u came in n brought me up. Now u are gone, leaving me here, say some big words. I juz can't accept it. Say the truth, reaching deep inside, I do not feel sad. I feel hurt n angry. Veri angry. Dun feel like I deserve this.

Why can't u. Nope! Should b why didn't u leave me alone b4? Dunno if I should feel I am 2 b blame 4 this, 4 getting into this mess. Now I muz get use again 2 my old life. I juz dunno how 2 do it. Feel so helpless n lost. Dun ask me y I will b avoiding u in the near few weeks becoz I'm trying 2 get use. I dunno how but I'm trying get rid of this pain n hurt. Avoidance may b the ans, though I noe I'll nvr b out of ur life unless I'm not ur bro. Juz give me time.

Went out 2dae, still can't realli put my mind off this matter. But @ least I feel better a bit. Dunno how 2 face tomo. Guess I've wait tomo n c. Think by speaking of this matter, I realli bring myself 2 a mood of sadness again. Happen so much things 2dae but now realli not in mood 2 blog. Guess I talk tomo. Nitey!

p.s. Jon, been thinking a lot more since we talk on Fri, I still can't help but feeling veri neglected no matter wat u say or do. Yes, I am angry, I am hurt, but I believe it will pass. But dun b sorry coz it is sth tt muz happen. Soon or later, either of us will leave. I dunno where or how 2 go on from here n I definitely dun want 2 guess. Since I am alone again, I juz guess I've 2 go back 2 my old routes n follow my heart. Wherever tt leads, juz hope it is 4 the best. Anyway, veri painfully, but from watever left of my heart, I wish u all the best.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/15/2004 12:10:00 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Total Dead

In a total rush of deadline 2dae. Hahaha! Thank God we finished direct on the dot without even the need of overtime. 3 powerpoints n 3 flowcharts with no prior knowledge 2 all the weapons in SAF, plus not even a slightest idea in how 2 fire more than half of it, muz all b squeezed out within less than 1 week. This is definitely under immense pressure. Feel so drained, but now veri relief. Juz waiting 2 c the verdict after the Weapons Seminar tomo.

Now finally can take a long break n settle my other solvable prob. In fact, I think I'm going 2 leave it tomo instead. 2dae was so sleepy till I overslept in the bus. Ended up I reached Sembawang Airbase. So bloody paiseh! Think I better grab a bus with more 6DSMBians in future. Hahaha!

So dun feel like going back 2 camp tomo. So many weapons n so little men. Dunno if I can cope with them. Totally shocked @ the scene 2dae tt I tried helping the section. Din help much as I have more compelling commitments. R2, I am sorry. Dun worry I'll b back. Juz hope not too late. Will not leave my section in a lurch. The most I'll take my off another time. Guess so.

Would like also add special thanks 2 few ppl. Namely CPT Don 4 taking so good care of us these daes. He noes this is not our job, but still help us in every way we need. Lionel, 4 all the support in ideas plus driving me home 2dae. Can't believe I got home @ 6pm. Even have time go 4 slight shopping. Haha! Vijay with ur help n support too esp during the meet the bosses session @ OETI. Hahaha! SSG Sharon who covered my duties so well during my absence in IC of the section. PLEASE!!! Juz 4get about the See. Juz drive ppl crazy. 2LT Chin 4 even u dunno much, still try his best in providing aid in typing n keeping us organized in ideas with CPT Don. Weixiong who has no cow sense of wat's going wrong still stayed with us all the way thru the nite. A friend of full support.

Noe there are many ppl outside on ground who thinks we're doing nothing or slacking most of the time. All I can say is tt u all can try it 4 urselves. No thanks @ all. But we proved ourselves with results, 2 ourselves, not 2 u all. So got nothing 2 say.

Alright! Nvr say much on my family maint case yesterday. Apparently, it was quite okay. Believe I'm going into a dark time again. Next hearing is next Wednesday. Shall c then. Am still veri worried, but juz I better zip up. Dun want spoil others' moods.

Think I juz ended another friendship 2dae. Muz b a record high of breakouts this month. Muz say this was a pretty close one in sec. sch. Too bad, dun like holding onto bonds which onli cause hurt. Rather let them go. I am juz too stressed 2 hold on anymore. Wonder who shall b next?

Ok, need go back settle a lot of things again. Shall blog another time.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/11/2004 07:35:00 PM

Soul Dead

Apparently, I find 2dae definitely a need 2 blog despite me juz stepping in the house not too long a moment ago. Realli bushed from all these investigation blah work. Though production was high in the section 2dae, I was not in it. Had more important things 2 attend 2.

Anyway, find it veri important 2 blog 2dae. Manage 2 fit in 1 meeting, 3 break outs within 1 whole long project work, n accomplish a lot. Shall say it as brief as possible.

1 meeting was in the morning with Mdm Nelly. Brought her round the trip of spares n tools the whole morning. 3 break outs was with 3 different friends. Officially, these 3 dun deserve my friendship, so off the go their path while I go mine. Within this 3, 1 will onli b colleagues, tt's all.

Project was problematic. Still can't find many solutions 4 many situations. In fact, my head is stil trombing from the mental stress. Can't say much as is classified information.

Sth extra but definitely worth put down, is one friendship I have decided 2 treasure even till after my ORD. Yep! Kevin Tan. He proved me realli wrong on judging ppl by looks. Can't say much too as dunno how 2 put in words.

Lastly like 2 touch on, my bro's situation. This is in fact the top of my prob 4 these few days. 1 thing I'm trying so hard 2 put out of my mind by working. It is more texing even than my family maint or debt. Yes! Serious till this extent. Tt's beside the issue. I am realli on the verge of giving up. Giving up on the sense of crying, giving up on the sense of killing myself, giving up on the sense of goin our separate routes. I juz dunno wat 2 do. This is one radio silence I am facing which has completely ice cold. Say sth, anything would still do. Even I dun give carbon dioxide gas cold. Wat should I think? U want 2 b alone? U want me gone? U want wat? I am alreadi going crazy. When I msg u the evening, I literally froze up in the OC office all the way till dinner. After dinner, was still half alive till out of camp by 11pm. I'm realli exhausted. I came out with every effort n now, juz following u. Leave it 2 fate. This I dun trust coz u as my bro is definitely not by chance or fate. Is by the effort of our 4 hands. Now u tell me leave it 2 fate, I find it hard 2 put down.

U lift me up so high n brought me down so low with fate. I dunno wat 2 do. I can't take this break, so tt's why I ask u if realli wanna break this friendship. Ease the long term drag if this should go on. I got my reasons why, u got them too. So let's not say them. I have not find anyone special or close coz besides my niu lang, u are the next close 2 me always. Nvr will I find someone so wonderful n perfect in my eyes. Onli u both have the power 2 make me feel like this so helpless. And it is u who did it. I dunno how 2 cont this down.

I dunno how 2 write anymore. Not sure if it is fatigue or brain stress, or the tears in my eyes covering my view. But watever it is, juz hope 2 solve it asap.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/11/2004 12:41:00 AM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Brain Dead

After yesterday's n 2dae's work, I am officially brain dead. Was officially placed in the investigation group of the recent 0.5" CIS MG explosion. My job scope is 2 come out with a training or say, an immediate action plan for all weapons in SAF. Big task but little experience 2 b handling this job. Yes! I have Vijay & Lionel on the team with me. Plus MSG Sivan & 2WO Lim. Somehow, I juz feel tt the latter being there is not much of a difference.

Talk about yesterdae. Was in the 2IC's office with all the regulars trying 2 draw out a flowchart. They juz kept diverting n talk about ridiculous story of their times. Can't help but using the phrase, too many cooks spoil the broth. Ended up, wat was discussed within tt 2 hours plus were wasted n had 2 b redone. Now, with the help of CPT Don & 2LT Chin, we managed get out a proper flowchart juz with Vijay, Weixiong, MSG Sivan, MSG Tang, 2WO Lim n me. Muz breathe a sigh of relief tt @ least we finish it. But the time n weather forced 2LT Chin, Vijay, Weixiong CPT Don n me 2 juz stay in. slept in the OC office till 7+ next morn when most of our campmates were alreadi in their PT attire. Hahaha!

Thank God we were excused from the morn exercise. But b4 we could have any breakfast, we excluding Weixiong, including 2WO Lim had 2 rush down 2 OETI 4 the meeting of the relevant authorities. Sigh! Imagine being so sleepy, so tired n still have 2 rush 4 these meetings, enough 2 realli make one sick.

Anyway, the meeting was terrible. The DSTA head was like bloody talkative n keep wanting his way. Can't say much except juz feel Vijay n me were like representing WII team when we have almost no slightless idea of wat 2 do. Worse, we were held responsible 4 all the reports n authors of the new army weapons IA flowchart. Shouldn't this type of burden go on regulars than us? Juz feel we left the place with our backs totally bloody. From the arrows n daggers.

Thank God all was not wasted. Met up with Seow Ping Jie n went teabreak or wat I call breakfast with her. Also had a small talk with my ex-instructor, 2SG Pauline Law. Yep! She is now also promoted 2 1SG. Am veri happy 4 her. Also like 2 thank CPT Don 4 the dinner last nite. Pizza Hut n KFC. Hahaha! Working OT with him is so beneficial. Hahaha!

So much 4 work. Still facing problems with my maintenance court matters. The 1st hearing will b tomo, but guess have 2 give it a miss as I am realli bombed with work. Sigh! Thank goodness I am still a minor, so my mum can speak up 4 me. Juz hope everything goes smooth.

As 4 my job, still left few more days 2 raise money 4 my debt. Juz hope 2 make it. Dun realli wanna elaborate much on this. Alreadi trying my veri best. But @ least I am pretty willing 2 help my man. Why? They noe how 2 show some basic appreciation.

Anyway, been feeling pretty strain on some relationships recently. Prob I am not focusing enough effort on them. But there is juz so much things tt don't fall in place. With so much stress, juz feel my emotions are a bit of a haywire. But have been trying 2 b happy 4 the sake of those ard me. Did some comparison with certain relationships ard me, sort of feel a bit neglected in some sense. I mean if others can do it, why can't I? Am I juz trying 2 hard? Or the other few parties are juz not sensitive enough? If they have their reasons, a simple hello or bye shouldn't b too hard. Nvm, dun think it will b sincere if I have 2 force it out of them. Mayb if we should juz wait 4 miracle 2 bring the relationships closer? Hahaha! Juz sit, wait n play along, I guess. I have my plans n definitely move on with it. I'm sorry but I have enough prob. When I can't take it, I will b the bad guy n pull out. It's my life. My fault, but I dun want explain. Simple!

Yawn! Now I muz realli get some rest soon else I'll not b able get thru tomo. Eyes are alreadi coming down. Tomo is another dae of these routine incident case report n brain stressing sessions with all the seniors. @ least I'm out of production I can say. Sort of miss my friends on ground but I guess I have 2 prepare 4 my departure. I am feeling the heartbreak n I believe I will make it thru. Ok, need get back 2 my court matters n catch my winks. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/09/2004 09:02:00 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Now Freaking Application

After looking thru so many courses, I am almost blur n messed up by all of them. Also called up a few friends 4 help, who gave me a few advices too.

Lastly, guess wat? Application does not begin till tomo!!! Totally look ly a dumb ass now. Waste so much time. Nvm, guess I'll apply tomo.

Guess nowI shall wind up the Net n prepare 4 a new work week up ahead. Good nite ppl!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/07/2004 09:38:00 PM

Virus Freak

Freaking Shit! Juz finish my virus scan. Realise since my last scan, I was hit by so many viruses. 2 b exact, 4 viruses n 1 trojan horse. This muz b the top record 4 me. Thank God all are able 2 b cleaned n destroyed.

Realli wonder wat joy do these idiots out there enjoy in wrecking ppl's computer. Juz hope one dae they will have the taste of their own medicine.

Now my whole winsock thingy is in a mess. Thank God manage 2 fix it. 4 those of u out there who have no virus scan stuff. Intro u all one website. Free download n VERI EFFECTIVE! Try it!

Latest Virus Update

Now I am hoping there is no more after effects of these viruses. But I definitely feel much cleaner now. Like I juz shitted. Hahaha!

Yep! Had the whole weekend 2 myself. Yesterday's therapy n 2dae's church session definitely help me a lot in cheering up. Not saying my prob are solved, but help me realise there is no pt in making the situation worse by pouting over it. In the end, onli those ard u will b affected. Won't spreading joy ard b much more worth the effort? Will restart from next week onwards 2 b more happy.

Don't want make 2dae's blog 2 long. Need 2 spend some time in applying 4 my university. So guess I shall end here. Shall take everyone's advice n put NTU Engineering as my 1st choice n NTU Comp Engineering as 2nd. Pray 2 God this time I'll succeed. Hey guys out there! I will ur prayers n blessings! Thanks a lot! Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/07/2004 08:32:00 PM

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Destressing; Give Me A Break

Ok, 2dae went out 2 relax myself from the stressful vicinity of work, family n family. Found great comfort within the company of my Niu Lang. Been a real long time since I spend time alone with him. Met up with him 2dae @ town since Peici n Chaowei were not free.

Butterfly Effect; Change One Thing, Change Everything
Butterfly Effect Movie Poster
It is said that the flutter of the wings of the butterfly is enough to cause a tornado halfway throughout the world.

Yep! We caught the above mentioned show. Butterfly Effect. Strange story with a veri nice twist in the plot. Juz feel there is a loophole somewhere, but can't realli put a finger on it. Definitely worth the watch. But if onli it was truth, if it does realli exist. Then will the reading back my past blog entries do the same effect? Haha!

Fish Leong Jing Ru
Fish Leong Jing Ru Album
The Power Of Love Songs

Haha! Also bought another CD. Felt it was time 2 get this CD since so long. Wat was I waiting 4? Freebies! Hahaha! Apparently this CD now comes with a free promotional VCD. And definitely much cheaper than b4. Now am typing this blog n reviewing it. Sounds veri good.

Also went dinner @ Ponderosa with Niu Lang. Not the Marina's branch as it has closed down. Anyway, I found out there was one in Raffles City in a veri ulu corner. Not sure if Marina is closing down or wat but noticed a lot of shops having clearance or closing sales. On addition, few shops like Metro have even closed down. Am veri surprised. But will b quite sad if Marina Square does closed down. Have a few font memories there. Anyway, back 2 dinner. Spoke my heart out with my Niu Lang n he provided me with lots of advice. Veri glad still got someone 2 talk 2 besides my super troubled bro. Realli hope he does find a solution soon.

Anyway, tomo is Sunday which means working days are coming back soon again n time 2 worry again. Say the truth, I feel more relax 2 face the week now. Thanks Niu Lang 4 being there 4 me. Guess u still have not lost ur magic touch. Hahaha!

Ok, shall end here. Veri tired after a dae's of play. Nitey!

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/06/2004 11:43:00 PM

Friday, March 05, 2004

Big Arrow

Did make some progress by juz sms-ing the brief prob summary 2 someone. Though I did not say anything, @ least I feel I should say it later as he is not in the right shape of mind 2 hear. But @ least glad I spoke 2 him 1st, then my niu lang tomo n shall find a better time 2 spill the beans on him. Yep! Him means Jon. Dun ask me why coz juz find him important in my life. Tt's all.

Anyway, had 2 catch a diverted arrow from MSG Sivan n 2WO Lim with Vijay n Lionel 2dae. Was initially meant 4 them by S3. But 4get it. Anyway, was about the investigation of the explosion of the 0.5 CIS HMG by the armor unit. Can't say much as this is confidential stuff. Juz going thru the case n present a case study n preventive measures. In turn 2 b presented 2 CMEO. So as u can c is a veri big arrow. @ least I have capable ppl working with me.

Worked till quite late, but still had 2 wait 4 CPT Don, 2LT Chin, Tong Cai n MSG Lee 2 leave b4 accompanying Jon 2 close up the workshop. Was working on the COPA prob again. Who was 2 b thingy? Headache! Anyway, dun wish say much bout it but went out 4 dinner @ Northpoint's Swenson's after tt. Gotta thank Cpt Don 4 the treat. Thanks!

Headed home n now I am here! Veri tired but going sleep soon. Juz need settle some court matters b4 heading 2 bed. Ok, nitey!

p.s. CMEO stands for Chief Maintenance Engineering Officer.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/05/2004 11:38:00 PM

Thursday, March 04, 2004

The Tide Is High

Think this form of updating my blog is much better. Decide 2 accumulate few daes events into a blog. Think helps me save up on internet time too. Last mth's net bill was pretty scary.

Anyway, 2 start on my blog 2dae. I am not in a realli good mood. So many waves have arise within 茅 calm waters. I feel like in 茅 mid of this crazy sea all by myself. So scare, so helpless. Need 2 pardon me on my entry if thgs get a little emotional. Sorry!

Tuesday was Weixiong's birthday. Wk was okay 2 me. Onli thg racing thru my mind was 茅 events on Monday plus a financial prob. Definitely not in 茅 mood 2 work, more so 4 a celebration. The deadline is ly in juz 10 days away n I've not done much. Getting veri worried. Dun think many ppl will understand wat I'm talking 4 this pt, but 茅 main thg was juz tt I was veri hesitant on attending 茅 function @ nite. Lastly in the locker room, 4 茅 sake of a veri gd friend, decided 2 show up.

Dine in @ Suntec's March茅 with a big bunch of friends. Darren, Fangsheng gor-gor, Jon, Kevin, Lionel, Shawn, Vijay, Wan Poo, Wee. Even Cpt Don n Ian were there 2 grace 茅 event. Make me wonder by 茅 time till my birthday, will I have still tt many friends 2 coy me thru my 21st birthday? Or will they b free? Sigh! Tt was beside 茅 pt. Dinner was quite filling though my overview on 茅 food in March茅 has not sway a bit. Still dun find it worth 茅 money. Besides, 茅 taste there was also slightly off my taste buds. Ian also threw in a few bottles of white wine. Poor Vijay after few glasses sounded quite tipsy. (Though a drunk will nvr admit he is drunk. Haha!)

Headed off 茅 Cuppage Plaza's Sunlight Karaoke after 茅 dinner. Was alreadi expecting a real late nite @ 茅 time we left 4 singing. �� place was not bad compared 2 茅 prev session, though would prefer 茅 other as I was definitely in much better mood. Not 2 say I was tt ok, then was definitely much better compared 2 now. Anyway, headed home by cab as usual with Jon as tt was 茅 onli transport @ 1.30am.

Did not sleep tt morn due 2 sth which happen during 茅 karaoke session. Stayed up 茅 rest of 茅 nite watching Harry Potter while taking care of my bro. Yep! U heard it rite 茅 1st time. Apparently, he went into Johore, Kota Tinggi with his friends w/o our knowledge n injured himself. Fell down on 茅 rocks @ 茅 waterfall n admitted into hospital. Got my mum totally worried. She even had 2 apply urgent leave 茅 next dae juz 2 accompany him 2 Tan Tock Seng Hospital 茅 next dae. This bro of mine, I'm almost on 茅 verge of giving up on him. Talk 2 him, he wants us 2 give him 茅 freedom, saying he will handle anythg himself. When he is injured, everyone suffers in 茅 end. Dun understand why he can grow up with his thinking.

Wednesday's was totally a flop! Felt totally lifeless, however wk still muz go on. Apparently, there was no wpn intake so we did those WITs activities which Seow Ping Jie learnt during her leader course. In my heart, I am totally against it, but decided 2 do it since it was her last dae. She will b on course @ OETI; Ordnance Engineering Training Institute, or wat we call as Onli Eat Talk Idle, till 21st June. Goin 2 miss her.

So now my section is down w/o 茅 2IC, 3IC n 茅 ORD mood specialists. We are bombed also with 茅 ninja IC, 茅 against-the-whole-world section clerk, 茅 MC Kevin. We are awaiting 4 茅 detonation of few members been dragged 2 replace 茅 section clerk, other sections n RnI. I realli am @ a loss of wat 2 do. @ this rate, afraid 茅 section will fall. But seems like no one seems 2 care. �� veri reason y I can't bear 2 stay in 茅 section 4 茅 dae. Decided 2 cool down n stay out of my sadness in techstore.

Also took over 茅 CDO duty from Kok Seng tt dae as he volunteered 2 take 茅 place of BK Tan as Guard 2IC. Apparently, BK was on MC status, thus all 茅 specialists were called in 2 draw lots 2 take 茅 place. Kok Seng, I muz realli thk him, volunteered 2 take 茅 duty 4 茅 sake of all of us. Muz realli thk him as 茅 dae's Guard Com n DO were totally inhuman. Plus I wasn't realli in 茅 rite state of mind 4 duty. So since he sacrificed 4 us, decided 2 take over his duty as a big thk u.

@ nite received 茅 worse n biggest bad news of all. This is 茅 news which is affecting me now so badly. It is not tt I am sad nor am I angry. But I juz find so hard 2 control my tears even till now. Whenever I think of 茅 times I spend with my dad in 茅 past, 茅 sweet memories, 茅 tears juz start flowing. It's a wonder y my eyes are still not swollen yet. Juz pray they dun show. Even cried in 茅 bus on 茅 way 2 wk 2dae. Felt my dae was totally out of control so decided 2 take half dae off b4 I embarrassed myself further.

Still dunno how 2 spill 茅 beans with Jon as I feel he shld noe as I dun want him thinking he has sth 2 do with my mood. Also dun want him 2 feel 茅 mood swings w/o understanding y. But juz where shld I begin 2 say this story. I am realli a guy with no voice n I dun wanna cry while saying it. I am so weak n tired. I juz dunno how 2 control myself anymore. I juz want 2 tell him but dunno y I keep avoiding him n his questions. He keeps wanting my initiative, but I can't give him. I dunno how but words dun fall out tt easily. Is there realli no other better ways?

Am also starting 2 wonder how I'm going 2 spill 茅 beans on my Niu Lang too on Saturday w/o spoiling our dae. Telling him will definitely b much easier as he was with me thru 茅 rise of 茅 seriousness of 茅 prob in JC1. He noes most of 茅 story with his walk with me. Felt totally indebted with him. Plus he is always 茅 1 who offered his hand 2 me, indirectly telling him my prob. Juz say he has his magic touch which realli brought us so far.

Speaking of which, brings me 2 茅 pt brought up during 1 of my recent talks with Cpt Don. Dun realli pay much attention 2 wat he says. However, this pt which he brought up realli makes a lot of sense. 2 make life easier, we muz find 茅 focal/basic pt of strength in our lives. 4 him, he placed it in God. Think I placed it in friends. 4 close friends 2 b exact. Sth tt I muz agree is tt placing this focal pt on man is not stable. Man can nvr always b there 4 us when we are in need. Had placed it on my Niu Lang but shifted slightly when he is posted 2 stay in @ Tekong. Chaowei too is in a stay-in unit n dun usually meet him n Peici except on 茅 wkends. Guess I have realli been tough on 茅 onli person left within the 4 as I meet him everydae. Pressured him a lot. Caused a lot of unhappiness n veri unfair 2 him. I am sorry, Jon.

Am finally getting 2 understand 茅 drift in friendship with him is caused by me. I can't explain it but tt's how my heart is telling me. Probably I'm expecting 2 much n not putting in much effort. Juz tt when I dun get wat I expect, my mood juz swings. Plus with all 茅 present additional prob, juz feel drained of energy 2 make another friendship last. Think this last prob of mine might b 茅 final straw. Sigh! Juz c how it all goes now.

Also received news tt Kevin is also planning 2 change section as he is unable 2 get along with MSG Sivan. Say 茅 truth, I nvr thot he was a such a good friend till he say he was going. Realli going 2 miss his coy n wking with him. Juz hope his change in coy will not draw a wall btwn this friendship with him.

So much of bad news. Tt's 茅 story of my life. I've still have not find 茅 courage n strength 2 voice out all my fears n I think I will nvr do, esp 茅 latest one. Think I will juz leave it this way 4 茅 while. Signing out from here.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/04/2004 09:34:00 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004

Silence Of The Lambs

Like b4, the dae went by juz like tt. Work, work, work n sadness takes over again. Been giving the cold ard as I can't help being alone. Feel like I'm working all by myself 2dae. Veri veri sad.

Dunno wat made SSG Sharon even a person who has been here onli about a week 2 notice my worries. Spoke 2 her over steyr repair. Prob the woman's intuition is much now sensitive than a guy's? Then wat category will tt put me in? Muz realli admire such a person with such a strong front but a sensitive n concern heart 4 the men. Definitely a merit pt 2 learn in life.

Apparently, would also like thank Vijay 4 the guts 2 ask, 2 concern n not flee. Maybe due 2 his sincerity, manage 2 open up 2 him a little. Definitely feel better a little. Maybe should consider on opening up more often 2 those who ask; ppl might b more receptive? Who noes? 4get it.

Not sure where I will go tomo. Maybe still veri sad. Maybe better. Let's juz c how all turns out. dun wanna spoil Weixiong's party. Shall give it a miss if I should feel like 2dae then. Ok, shall sign off early 2nite.

# Entry By Matt Evans @ 3/01/2004 08:19:00 PM